Until the Stars Are All Alight

I was toying with the idea of going to this, with some friends. But none of them were going to be able to make a trip that weekend.

Then I was toying with the idea of going alone, if my family was receptive to me crashing in St. Louis on Friday and Saturday and therefore I wouldn't have to get a hotel.

And then I looked again this evening--less than 24 hours after tickets became available--and they were sold out. Sad Trombone.

It's official; I WILL be seeing Darren Criss live in concert at Six Flags St. Louis on July 21st. (I doubt anyone else here is; if so let me know because that would be kind of epic!)

It's going to be a helluva crazy day week. I'll be leaving work at noon that day and I'll have to go to work the following day, and I have to make up all four of the hours I'm missing. This is going to involve fifteen-minute lunch "hours" all week and coming in early 2-4 days, depending on when the bosses arrive to work in the morning (staying late is not an option, grumble grumble).

I may well be going to work on that Friday on no sleep.

WORTH IT.

No idea if he'll be doing autographs or anything, I will be taking as much video as I can (I'll need to dump everything on my iPhone between now and then; honestly it takes much better pics/vid than my digital camera, which is starting to show its age). I'll be taking something to get signed just in case. I bought pink sunglasses, lol.

If I could find a Dalton tie for stupid cheap (the cheapest I've seen is $15+shipping) I would very seriously consider going go in halfass Warbler cosplay. (I have a white button-down and gray pants; I think I could get away with skipping the jacket considering we're going to be outside and a concert would be "off campus." Lol.) I need to check the thrift stores on that--the actual stores seem to be fond of a very similar pattern that also has a thin white stripe which just won't work at all. =P

What all this means to my family is another post that is brewing. =/

So the other morning I had a dream.

Most of the time my dreams are fairly cracktacular, or the typical dreaming-I'm-actually-awake-and-getting-ready dream. When I'm lucky I'll have a fandom-based dream (like the time I dreamed I was a tenth Fellowship member, or that I met Elijah Wood at an airport and he started hitting on me).

But not the other day.

I dreamed that Cody got his shit together and he had moved back in, and it was like...day two, maybe. And it was really awkward because ALREADY I am used to being in total control of my space again (I'm a bit territorial, not gonna lie), but he was pretty understanding of that and was really making an effort and going out of his way to be sweet.

(And truthfully even if things did go that way IRL I think I'd insist on getting a new place together rather than him moving back in here again; one of the things I felt kind of bad about when he left was that it was so easy to separate my stuff from his, like he was never fully part of things here--which was never my intent, but would be an easy way to interpret things. I don't know if I'm articulating this clearly.)

And it's like...ugh, subconscious, I was doing so well. IDK if the dream stemmed from me just hating living alone and my subconscious was trying to trick me into wanting to take him back, or if it's just trying to rein me back a little--like, "yes, he's done horrible things to you, but he used to be really sweet and you're going overboard with the thinking he's a dick because he's not 100% dick, just, like, 50%."

In other news he continues to not contact me but quickly reply if I contact him, and be relatively nice when that happens.

ALSO in other news, I found out that yet another one of my friends is living in one of the cities I'm considering moving to, which brings the total to three, plus anyone else I can convince to move there. (But I think that debate maybe qualifies for its own entry.)

Phone STILL not here, hopefully tomorrow since it was in Memphis today.

Saw Cody--he brought over his half of the car insurance payment.

He emailed to ask if I was home (since, no phone), I said yes but Dana was coming over, he emailed back and said he was coming over and I had no chance to protest. I didn't let him in when he got here. Conversation:

C: Are you doing okay? Do you need anything?
S: Fine, and no.
C: Do you need anything?
S: NO.
C: Well, okay then...guess I'll see you later.
S: Next month, probably.
C (sarcastically, as far as I could tell): Well, did you want to do something before then?
S: No.
C: Then I guess so. Are you sure you don't need anything?
S: I'm fine.
C: Would you call me if you did need anything?
S: Probably not.
C: Well, fine. See you later. -exit stage left-

I was having to choke back tears through all this, which only partially accounts for my short, terse answers. After he left I realized he'd given me two twenties, not a twenty and a five like he was supposed to, and I got really pissed and threw the money across the room and broke down crying. Came very close to chasing out after him and screaming at him, but decided it wouldn't really accomplish anything.

I hate that he is trying to give me more than he agreed to. It honestly makes me feel like a whore, like I was never anything but his kept woman.

Also after he left I realized that I had another bag of his stuff that I've found while organizing around the house and had planned to give back to him, which, had he not been a dick and just assumed it was okay to come over, I probably would've remembered. So I'll probably be seeing him again, but I want to wait until I have my damn phone.

And it's so frustrating because yesterday I was fine. I had his FB profile open (because I was going to message him about not having the phone yet yada yada can't call to check if I'm home) and looking at his picture was like looking at a stranger. Not that he's changed (he doesn't look like he's lost any more weight in the last month, though he probably has) or anything, but just...the reaction was just dead inside. I didn't care. Same with textual communication, or seeing his comments on FB or whatever (not on my stuff, but on mutual friends). But seeing him was different.

I told Dana that if he isn't coming back, fully, then it's easier not to see him. She said to tell him to mail it. Contemplating it.

Copied and pasted from Facebook.

I've blocked the people from work that I'm friends with on Facebook from viewing this as I'm trying to keep this quiet at work; I've told the supervisors but I just don't want to deal with the questions or the pity looks from my coworkers. It's hard enough getting work done without that kind of interruption.

Cody left last Friday. This isn't as much of a shock as it probably seems. We've been arguing for a while and I just haven't said anything to anyone because I didn't think things would end up like this. I thought we'd get things resolved. I wanted--still want--to work things out between us, but things have gotten to a point where I can't do it alone. Even if he called me up and wanted to come back, I would insist on going to marriage counseling. This is one of the biggest problems, really--he flat-out refuses to go to any kind of counseling or therapy, with or without me. My hands are tied--there is literally nothing else I can do.

I don't want to go into everything--I've hashed it all out with a few people already and frankly it isn't everyone's business--but the thing that really tipped the scales (and started us bickering at all) is that Cody's now decided he wants kids, which I made plain before we were ever even dating wasn't going to happen. And as much as this sucks, and as bad as I hate it, I still feel like motherhood (even adoption, even foster parenting with a limited age range) would be ten times more hellish than what I'm going through now. I haven't changed my mind in the last ten+ years, I don't think I'll be changing it in the future.

I'm not 100% sure what the future holds. I know for sure that if there's any way at all to make it happen, I want to move away--I've wanted out of this town for as long as I can remember. In the words of Beauty and the Beast, "There must be more than this provincial life." And without Cody I really have no reason to stay--in fact, I would've moved in November of 2008, when I was unemployed, but for the fact that I didn't want to make our long-distance relationship even longer-distance. I'll obviously need to get a new job lined up before I can pack up and go, though. I have two locations in mind but I have people I need to talk to first just to even see if it would be plausible.

I'll answer questions, if anyone has them, if they're not too nosy. If I decide your question IS too nosy I won't be afraid to say so.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm coping. I really don't have any choice but to move forward--I don't hold out a lot of hope that anything's going to change.



Added on LJ: I'm sure it's no shock to anyone that my main coping device has been music, but even I'm mildly surprised that Kurt from Glee has been my go-to--favorite character or no, I wouldn't think the songs would parallel. But Rose's Turn and Defying Gravity have helped A LOT.

animorphs has been quiet...too quiet. Really, no posts all weekend? WTH?

So I've been getting caught up on all the other reading I need to get done instead of immersing myself in meta, which might be good. One more book to read for the infographic and the deadline is Saturday. Um, February, where'd you go?

I think I might be in love with Darren Criss. He's good on Glee but smiley_face86  has been poking me in the direction of his IRL music and GUH. This is a guy whose YouTube consists of covers of songs from Disney animated movies, and he also writes beautiful, poignant original songs. And he's pretty cute/hot as well so that never hurts.

The taxes were not as exciting as I had hoped. =( We actually have to pay in to the state. Cody and I will both be changing our withholding on Monday because GRRR. Apparently they hold out more, rather than less, if you claim zero? This is completely illogical to me. Then again, it's the government.

My birthday is coming up. Three weeks from tomorrow I'll be able to rent a car, and in July (when the term is over) our insurance should go down. Come to think of it Cody's turning 21 like eight days before the term is over so that might help, too.

I feel old. This is the last milestone birthday before you start getting Over The Hill crap, right?

Okay. Going to read. Hopefully write some, too. We shall see.

So. Forks, Washington, is actually a real town, not a town made up for Twilight. And the folks that live there are trying to cash in on that any way they can. I don't blame them, in this economy it's probably really helpful for them. There's talks of a Twilight Hotel, in the meantime The Pacific Hotel has Twilight-themed rooms.

They look like this (this is the photo from the above link):

Somewhat dark-and-depressing, you'd think they'd model them after the way a certain room looked in the movie rather than just plaster a black-and-red room with posters, but whatever.

The caveat? The reason I'm posting about this at all?

That's the same comforter set Cody and I have on our bed. RIGHT NOW. (Also, we have one of those lampshades on a small lamp in the living room, which has the same black/red/apartment-carpet-tan color scheme) Cody has informed me that I am not allowed to spend another ~hundred dollars on new bedding. And considering that, for the wedding, we registered for extra sets of black sheets to match it, and now have three sets, I can see where it would be wise to stick with our investment. But it's still sucky.

On the other hand, this means that the average annoying 14-year-old Twilight fan is expected to sleep on Wal-Mart bedding and feel like it's somehow special/luxuriant/worth more money (as I'm sure this room goes for a premium price). Haha.

And, though I shouldn't be behaving like the average annoying 14-year-old, we had it first! Neener-neener-neener! =P

(In the interest of full disclosure: No, I haven't read/watched Twilight. From what I've read/heard about it, I have a feeling that if/when I do, I may enjoy the overall storyline, but hate Stephanie Meyer's writing style. And the fact that's it's so widely inescapable is irritating no matter how good or crappy it may be.)

My debit card with my new name arrived.

I CAN'T FIX MY PIN.

And I asked them to remove my middle initial, as it's going to be changing.

They didn't.

FAIL. SIGH. Will have to be cardless for ANOTHER WEEK.

And I can't even call until MONDAY.

*headdesk*

Adult Swim is back on! =D

It was broken on our satellite for, like, WEEKS.

Yay Facebook memes.

The Bucket List
Place an X by all the things you've done and remove the X from the ones you have not.

Things you have done during your lifetime:
(x) Gone on a blind date
(x) Skipped school ('cause I was sick, not random class-ditching)
( ) Watched someone die
(x) Been to Canada
(x) Been to Mexico
(x) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(x) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
( ) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
(x) Swam in the ocean
(x) Cried yourself to sleep
(x) Played cops and robbers
( ) Recently colored with crayons
(x) Sang Karaoke!!!
(x) Paid for a meal with coins only (McD's)
(x) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't (usually eating =( )
( ) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose (scared a dog shitless doing it, too!)
(x) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
( ) Danced in the rain-naked
( ) Written a letter to Santa Claus
(x) Been kissed under the mistletoe (haha in Radio Shack)
(x) Watched the sunrise with someone (while driving to class, or we never would have been up that early)
(x) Blown bubbles
( ) Gone ice-skating
(x) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
(x) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
( ) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(x) Seen a falling star and made a wish
(x) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(x) Seen the Statue of Liberty (from a LONG way away)
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Been on a cruise
(x) Traveled by train
( ) Traveled by motorcycle (ridden, but not TRAVELED)
(x) Been horse back riding
(x) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(x) Been to Disneyland OR Disney World
(x) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
(x) Been to Niagara Falls (I was too little to remember though)
(x) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
( ) Been to a National Football League game





25 random things about me
(yeah, yeah, but it was going around on FB as well)

1. I think I'm the last person alive to have never seen Titanic. Even my parents finally watched it, when it came on TBS or whatever and all the naughty bits were edited out. I'm tempted to keep it that way out of sheer contrariness.

2. I hated mac and cheese growing up (and still hate the cheese-from-powder crap) and Mom fed me cottage cheese instead. I was 12 before I realized this was weird.

3. I still see traces of social awkwardness in myself from having been homeschooled, and I hate it, though I wouldn't trade my superior education.

4. I want to have a nice, solid swing that doesn't hurt my butt.

5. I have a lot of weird beliefs, but I am very passionate about them and their rightness. (For example, I believe it's wrong to take up an offering during a church service--there should be a place where people can drop their donations discreetly, instead of encouraging people to make a show of it.)

6. People can talk about how pretty Arkansas/the Ozarks is/are, but honestly, other than in brief glimpses, I don't really see it. I think I'm ruined for it. The most gorgeous tree/rock formation/waterfall is never going to get as much of a reaction as a nifty skyscraper, or even a small but beautiful architectural detail that catches my eye.

7. I've miscalculated my taxes two years running, but both times it was to my favor and the feds just sent me a bigger check than I was expecting. I still think I'm gonna all the papers to the free H&R block people at Wal*Mart this year.

8. I hate the fact that I live in a place that's so NOT diverse that I feel compelled to stare at African Americans when I spot one around here. (It's just here, not me. I don't do it in St. Louis.)

9. I have the same birthday as Albert Einstein, which also happens to be Pi Day.

10. I have never changed a diaper and it is a life goal for me to be able to say the same on my deathbed.

11. My crush on David Bowie (well, YOUNG David Bowie) is entirely my fiancé's fault. And I think his is worse. =)

12. I love Japanese candy--as Kristy put it, the textures tend to trump American candy--but I think I'll pass on any further durian candy.

13. I hate the fact that my dad was right about the mail not being any fun anymore when you're a grown-up 'cause all you get is bills. Though here lately I've been getting wedding catalogs!! =D

14. I think I've used this every time I fill one of these out--I don't own a single pair of white socks. Actually, I have very few socks that are a solid color. =)

15. I like Burger King's advertising--"Have it your way," etc. All the packaging is like "You're the boss and you are awesome because you get things custom." If only everything in life was like that!!

16. I am a plant killer. I can't help it.

17. I just learned to ride a bike last Saturday, and it made all the negative thoughts I was having about my impending birthday go away.

18. I think someone could learn more about me reading between the lines than they ever could listening to me explain myself--like, reading the things I put in memes or surveys like these, or reading the Wall of Avatars on my MySpace (which I need to redo).

19. The fact that the directions to my house include "stoplight" and "turning lane" make me happy, as does the fact that I can see a stoplight from my back window.

20. Linear distance measurements really mean nothing to me, you have to tell me How Long it takes to get somewhere for it to make any sense to me.

21. I now love watching TV that I saw advertised as a child and wasn't allowed to watch--or even the ones I WAS allowed to watch but didn't understand. My favorite of them is Frasier. I relate to Niles. =)

22. I'm now collecting Rubik's-cube-like puzzles. I have a Pyramorphix (well, it's a knockoff), an Alexander's Star, and a picture cube, along with some other puzzles of similar sorts.

23. This is how old I'm going to be this year! I swore some years ago that if I had no prospects by this age, I was going to pay for online dating. Lucky me, that's some money saved!

24. I once nearly won an essay contest. The prize would have been a trip to Italy. One of the women on the committee to read the essays stopped me in the halls some weeks later and told me I was the second choice.

25. I'm going to bed now.