gack

Jan. 30th, 2008 01:31 pm
rena_librarian: (Default)
Because the food poisoning (or flu, whichever) and resultant facial rash (I think; I'm blaming it on that anyway--luckily it's not THAT bad, I didn't bother with makeup for it because you'd have to be pretty darn observant to notice it behind my hair and freckles) weren't bad enough, now apparently the inside of my eyelid has an open wound or something--which doesn't hurt, but feels the sting when I put contact fluid in my eye. (It looks red on the inside. Like incision-red. GOD, I hope it's not a sty. My dad used to get those damn things all the time.

-_- Oh, and I didn't even tell you where I think I contracted the food poisoning. Nico brought me free Taco Bell on his way home from work Sunday night. Sympathy free-Taco-Bell because Brandon had come over in the afternoon and gave me the "You're really awesome, but I only want to be friends. Because you are awesome. Just not quite awesome enough" speech.

Which was really sweet of him, in theory (and now that he's off work and I'm not sick anymore we're having a girls' night tonight) but GOD DAMN IT LIKE I WASN'T MISERABLE ALREADY THANKS NOW I'M SICK. Which is not Nico's FAULT, mind you. But Fate and Irony are cruel masters.

And, yes, I'm a bit more upset about the Brandon thing than I thought I would be. Mainly because I kind of figured that a little while down the road, if it became clear that our differences were, in fact, not work-around-able, I would be the one breaking it gently to him. *sigh* So we'll see if he can keep it up--he has to prove that he really does want to stay friends. He blew me off Monday to hang with his grandparents (they were making dinner special, or something, I kind of quit listening to the voicemail after "I won't be able to come over,

Scary thing? Katchan was telling me that you know, if he and I stay friends, there may still be a shot at some point in the future, and I didn't even care about that. The rationalization that let me survive Kyle back in the day seems silly to me now. Not sure if I'm getting jaded or just appropriately thick-skinned with age. Cynical, for sure, but at least that's entertaining.

Speaking of entertaining, fun story/reason not to eat at Taco Bell of the day: Yesterday it was really windy, as in "woke me out of a dead sleep because I thought I heard the siding ripping off" "they're re-shingling Nico's building" "wind advisory in the corner of my screen as I watch relatively crappy daytime TV" windy. Apparently the Taco Bell sign (yes, the one on the giant pole out front) exploded (imploded? I wasn't there), fell down, got blown across five lanes of highway, hit a car, and in the process knocked out the power to literally half of TB. Half the lobby, half the kitchen. Everyone got sent home except Steve, and they were in this half-powered state until ten PM. In the malfunctioning half? The FREEZER. Well, the air-circulator worked. There was just nothing to make that circulated air COLD. Nico's advice? Don't eat there until tomorrow at the soonest. NICE.

I'm tempted to start a Taco Bell tag, but I realize of course that all entries detailing TB dalliances include Nico one way or another. No point.

I just realized. Maybe the thing inside my eye is the RASH that's also on my face. Creepy! -_-*
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I've been having nightmares. I think I've had one every morning for the last four or five days. 

Not, like, scary-creepy nightmares like I used to have, the kind where I'd wake up before anything horrible happened and then think that it might make a cool scene in a horror movie. This is (for me) an entirely new breed of nightmare--I find myself hopelessly stuck in an immensely frustrating situation.

So...on to happier topics.

Kat's seriously starting to research me coming up to Alberta for New Year's. YES. (I wanna see my goddaughter, dammit!)

So I shall leave you with this quote, which made me think of Duncan when I read it earlier today. (What with the carpe diem-ness of it, plus it's a musical metaphor...)

No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve in quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them. --Alan Watts

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quizzes )
rena_librarian: (Default)
This is going to be one of those long entries where I talk about everything and have no point. Such entries have been in short supply lately, methinks.

How many times do you have to dream about a particular guy before it means something? Especially if you kissed him in two of the dreams?

So, anyway, I never talked about St. Louis. Had a great time, got Monk Season One on DVD, a fuzzy purple pillow (which brings the count of pillows on my bed to, like, 13 or 14, lol), and a $30 Best Buy gift card. We went to the million-square-foot mall and got to stay for, like, five hours. Played DDR twice (same version, once at the mall and once when we went for pizza). Got lots of cool stuff when I went shopping--Japanese Cherry Blossom body spray from Bath and Body Works, a t-shirt that I will be wearing to camp Friday (I'll tell the rest of you after Shelly sees it), two books (a Meg Cabot! YAY!), some fruit slice-scented candles (OMG CITRUS!), and a Hello Kitty wallet to match my purse. (And a Purple Goth Hello Kitty Pen with a charm! OMGSQUEE!)

I bought a black rubberband bracelet, which I think are retarded unless they MEAN something. Like, when women wear pink for breast cancer, that's cool, but when kids get one from the store that just says "peace" or "friends" or "joy" and they wear it just to have a rubberband, that's retarded. Anyway, I got it from Hot Topic, and the money goes to the Hot Topic Foundation--which supports arts programs in schools. (Music, art, etc.) With schools cutting out arts programs in favor of sports, this is something I'm definitely in favor of! It said "Music = Life" and had two guitars on it. (I preferred the one that said "Rock the Arts" but it only came with skulls on it, and that I didn't like.) Unfortunately, it broke about a week later (my fault, I admit), and I went to hottopic.com to replace it--and the shipping would have cost five times more than the bracelet itslef. GACK. I shall wait until we go back up in May and get another one then!

Stopped by McDonald's on Tuesday. Turns out Kyle quit and moved back home, so I called him--I guess his housemates were getting to be a bit much and I don't blame him. So I asked if he wanted to come to camp this weekend, he said he wanted to but wasn't sure if he could, so I called again today and he still wasn't sure, so he's supposed to call me back later.

It was weird--the time that he quit is roughly the same time that it stopped being interesting to look at his house when I drove by. *shakes head* Fate, are you listening? I'M PRETTY SURE I DON'T WANNA BE PSYCHIC!

Welllll...I have to log off. Meeting the parentals for dinner (yes, I know it's early). Should be interesing. Mom's been all persnickity since I told her about the whole Canada deal two days ago.

Though her excuse is that she's trying to avoid being weepy (my word, not hers), so I suppose it could be worse.

Remind me to talk about the Clinton Library when I get back. ^_-

randomness

Dec. 6th, 2005 01:27 pm
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I'm incredibly sleepy.

OMG. I haven't talked about Kyle in a while--he is, for sure, living in Flippin (still don't know where) and I know for sure where he's working (fast food, lol). I happen to know the manager there, saw her last night, and when I told her I knew him she told me when he's going to be there today. ^_^ I plan on getting there about half an hour before he gets off, so this time if he's can't talk (I did spot him there the day we left for St. Louis but he was too busy) I can just wait until he gets off. ^_^ So yay!

I'm not going to be online tomorrow; I have no school (it's Dead Day, AKA a pause to study before finals start on the next day) so I'm going to stay home, sleep in, and (more than likely) play DDR, watch movies, and decorate our tree, which went up over the weekend but hath only lights on it thus far!

Mom bought the blinky lights that I really like, since all our old strands seem to be dead, but instead of the traditional red-yellow-green-blue sequence, this new one has ONLY red-blue-green! What's with THAT?

I mean, really. No potatoes at Thanksgiving and now THIS? What is happening to our holidays? What's NEXT? Valentine's Day (SAD, lol) without chocolate???

I bought Mom's Christmas present yesterday. Go me. All the other little things I plan on getting will just have to wait until payday. (I have to get stuff for Maddy and the boys, but other than that, nothing, because we draw names in our family--sucky, sucky, sucky "tradition" started last year.) I'm going to burn Maddy a CD of princess songs (Disney and Ella Enchanted music, among others) and VeggieTales music. ^_^

I'm wearing a tie today. Dad got rid of a few and guess who was there to scavenge? ^_^ It's purple, totally matches my shirt, and it looks really good, IMHO. (I don't tie it quite so tight as a man would, but I use the same knot--which is easier than one might think, lol.)

It's depressing. I get to stay home tomorrow and there's not going to be any Lost. I mean, I would get them not having it the week of Christmas since nobody's home to watch it, but--gah. I WANT TO SEE MR. EKO MEET THE MONSTER!

Kyle

Nov. 16th, 2005 04:58 pm
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Retreat (at camp) is this weekend, and I hadn't ever heard back from Kyle via e-mail as to whether or not he wanted to go, so I called him today.

Tried, anyway. His mom picked up and informed that he has moved out! O_O

Which, like...I knew he was planning on it. But--WOW! That was sudden! And the last I'd heard he had almost decided against it, or at least to put it off.

So he's SOMEWHERE in a town that I pass EVERY DAY on my way to and from school. But here's the bad news--he hasn't left any contact info. His mom said that she hadn't talked to him in a few days, but knows he's got no phone yet. She said she'd call me when she talked to him.

I got a phonebook, looked up "apartments" in the yellow pages, and called all the ones in that town with no results. (Though he MAY be in with friends, not in his own place, I really don't know.) I think the one woman I talked to thought I was some kind of stalker, lol... (I don't know, do I qualify for real now? Lol.)

This bothers me. I'm really, honest-to-God afraid I'll never hear from him again--which is kind of silly, because if I hear nothing I'll just call his mom again sometime next week and at least try to find out what building it is and leave my number this time. (I told her Kyle had my number, but then, he loses things, lol.)

But...mmm. I'm worried. Not that he won't do okay (he will, provided that his friends are decent people), but of being so close and yet so far away.

I'm trying to focus on the fact that if I do actually track him down I'll be able to spend a lot more time with him, since he's only 15-20 minutes away. Yayz!

(On a side note, it would actually be the first time I've had a friend--as opposed to an acquaintance--live that close to me! I think the "nearest" friend I've had was LynnDee, and that's a good 30-minute drive from my place...)

Lyrical...

Nov. 15th, 2005 05:07 pm
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I know, I know, posting random song lyrics is, like (liek, lol), the cardinal sin of journaling...that's why these aren't random. At least in my mind they have meaning. Google for FULL lyrics, I picked and chose the bits I wanted. All emphasis mine. Speculations and comments wanted, needed.


~*~ Evanecsence, "My Immortal"
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
*
But you still have all of me
You used to captivate me
*
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
*
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along


~*~ Duran Duran, "Want You More!"
Whatever I'm thinking of
You always seem to know
*
There's always something to keep me guessing
What if it's real, what if you're just faking?
What if you knew you could?
What if you get off on manipulating?
Why does it feel so good?
Drivin' the car turn up the sound
*
And it only gets more serious
What could you be thinking of?
You never let it show
'Cause you give me just enough
There's always something
You keep it coming
What if it's real, what if you're just faking?
What if you knew you could?
What if you get off on manipulating?
Why does it feel so good?
Why do I want you more? Why do I want you? Why do I feel so torn?
Why do I want you more? Why do I want you?
Why do I want you more?
*
Just keep it coming


~*~ Duran Duran, "Nice"
And it hurts me to think
That you might never know
That I've got this thing about you
In case you don't understand
There's something else I meant to tell you
There is nothing better
Than being with you
And I'm feeling so nice
There is nowhere better
Than here with you
And it's feeling so nice
*
I got a lot to lose
But everything to gain
When I really think about it
You haven't got a clue
It's all that I can do to hide it
There is nothing better
Than being with you
*
Will it hurt as much being true?
I might as well be brave and tell 'ya

rena_librarian: (Default)
...please don't ask me what that means. I don't know, either.

But Kyle said it at the end of his email. SQUEE! Kyle has a functional email address again! WOOT!

I asked if he wanted to go to camp again next month--I'm going.

I told Mom I'd have to miss the last night of the auction to go (long story, more later) and she was all, "Go! You need to have fun with your friends!"

O_O She NEVER says stuff like that. Usually she's more like, "Keep your nose to the grindstone" and all that sort of jazz...

The auction--Dad's a member of the Lions club (a very productive, award-winning member, as a matter of fact) and here in Mountain Home, every year they have this "radio auction" in which people phone in their bids and they can listen to it all on the radio or watch it on TV. I take phone calls. ^_^ I <3 it, it's really fun. (I'm a dork! Lol...)

Oh yeah!

Jun. 30th, 2005 03:11 pm
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In the previous entry re: Kyle, I forgot to mention--he's thinking about moving out, to a town that I pass through every day on the way to work, and going to my school.

That would be wicked cool awesome to the nth degree.

Kyle

Jun. 30th, 2005 02:51 am
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Okay, okay, get ready for a good story. This entry's going to reference "Detour to Destiny" but not in a way that only the fans are going to get it. (In other words, those of you who don't read it should still read this entry because it's not ABOUT D2D, it's about a RL thing that I talked about in D2D.)

In D2D, there's a passage where Sarah (my character, duh, lol) tells Frodo about all her past "love affairs" (if you really want to call them such).

   "Anyway, I'm getting off track. The third guy in my life--and the last, there have only been three--quite simply never liked me."
   "Then why did you go out with him?"
   I sighed. "That's the catch--I didn't. I just...I fell in love with him, but when I told him he said he only liked me as a friend and didn't want to be more. So I just had to deal with that. We're friends, and that's it."
   "Do you still care about him?"
   "He'll always be a friend of mine. And...well, I think I'll care about him until someone else comes and sweeps me off my feet, makes me forget that I ever cared about anyone else. After that experience, I just decided to wait for someone to find me instead of getting my heart stomped on over and over again looking for Mr. Right." I couldn't tell Frodo this, but I thought of myself like Éowyn, still caring for Aragorn, not knowing that Faramir was just around the corner.

That's all true (or at least it was, there were other developments after that was written, but that's what I'm getting to). It's where my custom Hobbity-made avvy came from. (And, gosh dang it, I'm STILL hunting my Faramir!)

That "third guy" is Kyle. He more or less broke my heart when I was about sixteen (what a summer that was!...). I don't know that I need to necessarily tell it all over, I wrote some stuff about it at the time.

But it really was amazing to me--was and still is--after that, we really did remain friends. Totally. It's not like we've ever had an awkward moment after that--we've both kind of gone on like that moment never happened, starting with right after when it did happen, before we even hung up the phone. And at the time, I was sure I would never get over it, but last summer, I realized that I finally was over it. Shelly's the one that made me realize it, actually.

Every year at camp we do cabin skits (or team skits sometimes, but last year it was cabin skits), and the counselor in my cabin wrote a skit in which there were two complicated parts and then a lot of small parts for the kids, with the idea that she would take one complicated part and I'd take the other. The two complicated parts were "Good" and "Evil" (think of the angel and devil on your shoulder kind of thing). She gave me the choice and I chose evil, lol. It meant I'd get to wear black and cackle and all that jazz, lol.

When I told this to Shelly, she was all, "Did you pick it because it made you think of Kyle?" (Kyle was kinda-sorta goth when I met him, and is still more dark than light, though he's come a long way since then...was it really four years ago already??? Anyway...)

I kind of paused. "No, that never even crossed my mind..."

And Shelly pointed out: "See? That means you're getting over him."

And that reeeeeally irritated me at the time (I shrugged it off, though, "Yeah, I guess..." It's not like I fought with her over it), because I didn't WANT to get over Kyle. I totally wanted to like, pine away, lol. Not really. But I wanted to have to be made to move on, by some guy, if that makes sense. I wanted to be rescued from Brokenheartsville, not find my way back on my own.

But I thought about it over the next several weeks and, as we all know, by that fall I had sufficiently come to terms with this discovery that I was able to admit that I was crushing over several guys in Acting I (and II, when it carried over). And we know how the Tim thing went (BTW, I'm SO totally already over that--I think that if nothing else I've learned that it pays to be cautious and not get too starstruck), but I'm still scoping. I'm not, like, lighting incense in front of the picture I have of Kyle, lol.

But then life carried on, a certain b*****d ruined everything--er, things went down at camp that drove off several of the LITs (Leaders In Training, which Kyle and I both were, along with Shelly and the RL Cody and Mike, among others). Kyle wasn't there last year and hasn't been showing up at retreats throughout the year, and I had kind of thought that he'd been driven off permanently. Since he's a borderline internet-phobe, we quite simply lost contact. I'd lost track of his number, and even when I'd had it it was a royal pain to call him (this was before free minutes after nine PM, back when Dad was the only one with a cell phone that no one was allowed to use). And I had pretty much resigned myself to never seeing him again. I mean, I know how things go, I figured I'd hear about him sooner or later, but thought it could never be the same.

But then Nickie (one of said LITs) graduated a few weeks ago. I went, and Kyle was there! I had heard he would be (like, I talked to Shelly that day and she said he would be), so I went on a bit of a power trip, knowing that I'd changed (physically, for the better) since we'd last talked, and I dressed up a bit nicer than I needed to, thinking that I'd point out that I was surviving just fine without him (since I thought there'd probably be an awkward exchange of "hi" and that would be the last we'd ever see of each other). But Kyle, (thankfully, in retrospect) being male, didn't pick up on it, and furthermore, made a point of giving me his email and phone number. He came to the "gathering" (it was sooooo NOT a party, lol) at Nickie's house afterward, and it was actually me and him and Shelly's sister (who'd ridden with me) and Shelly's ex-best-friend (LONG story, ties in with that b*****d, sort of, though the problems were rooted back further...and really, it's not my story to tell, nor do I feel like rehashing it, anyway), so me and him were talking, and it was JUST LIKE old times. (I feel old using that phrase.)

That was a Saturday night, and I emailed him on Monday morning but got no reply. And so I was all, "Well, I'll call him." Because it used to be a big ISSUE to call people, since we had no cellphones. But now it's free after nine (within the US anyway) and all that jazz. But I still kind of get this anxiety (stage fright? lol) when I call people for the first few times, no matter how well I know them IRL/online (like I can call Shelly, no big deal, but to call, say, Hobbity, would kind of freak me out), and it had been so long since I'd talked to Kyle that it might as well have been the first time. (And I think that even if I counted up all the times I'd called him it would still be really low...less than ten for sure.) So I put it off. "I'm working 'til close, I can't call on my break or after work." "I'm sleepy." "I have to get this written." "Well, I want to, but if I call now his family might be asleep." Whatever.

Now, the graduation was May 20th, and I hadn't called him yet.

I thought about it on my way home one night last week (but I had worked 'til close and though that's an excuse, it's a legitimate excuse, I'm not going to call people at 1 or 2 AM without prior permission, lol), and finally told myself--"Well, if you can't call him AFTER work, call on your way in." And then I hemmed and hawed to myself, and then at last I said to myself: "If you don't call him, and SOON, you're going to lose contact with him again. And he's too good of a friend for you to let that happen."

So this morning I finally worked up my courage, and on my way into town I called him. I figured (given his past history) that he'd rush off the phone after about ten/twenty minutes, but we were still talking when I got where I was going, kept talking, talked for an hour total (maybe a bit more, actually), and it was ME who finally (reluctantly) said that I had to go, and that I'd call again.

I'm thrilled, I can't explain this elation that I'm feeling. Really. I just can't stop thinking about how happy it's made me.

And before anyone suggests it, no, it's not because I have hopes for the relationship to turn romantic. I mean, I still say what I said at the time, if he showed up on my doorstep with a dozen roses and asked me to go out with him, I would in a heartbeat. But I'm not expecting that to happen, not even HOPING for that, and I'm exploring other avenues *coughguysatworkcough*, trying to get a boyfriend.

But anyway, I'm on cloud nine right now. I've regained something I thought was lost forever, and I don't intend to lose it again. My...preciousssss. All is right in my world again. ^_^

 

Here's a funny tidbit for anyone who's reading D2D, BTW (and I don't know what made me think of it but here ya go anyway): Originally, when Shelly sent me that first chapter, she just put a surname in and I was all, "I don't like that, can I change it?" and when she said I could, I came up with Ebort. She had my character named Sarah Stringold. XD

KYLE!

Jun. 29th, 2005 03:34 pm
rena_librarian: (Default)
I talked to Kyle for an hour!

It ate up about 30 minutes of my internet time, but oh well--I TALKED TO KYLE! WHEE!

And for those of you who don't know who Kyle is (which is pretty much everyone but Shelly, Kat, and Kade, I think...wow, has it really been that long since things went screwy?), I'll get into the details later. Tonight I'll type a post at home.

But suffice it to say that I had pretty much resigned myself to never talking to him again, thinking that he was no longer part of my life, and kinda-sorta random chance brought him back. SQUEE!

February 2012

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