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rena_librarian
I've been having nightmares. I think I've had one every morning for the last four or five days.
Not, like, scary-creepy nightmares like I used to have, the kind where I'd wake up before anything horrible happened and then think that it might make a cool scene in a horror movie. This is (for me) an entirely new breed of nightmare--I find myself hopelessly stuck in an immensely frustrating situation.
The details of most of them, save this morning's (which I called Kat to talk about) have faded over time. I didn't even realize until this morning that it was recurring. But this morning I dreamt that I was living with Kat's family (or at least, her family as they were when I had to deal with them--since then her mom has remarried and her brother's moved out, but whatever), which, for me, would be something like living in the sixth or seventh circle of hell. (I once started a story in which I was her sister and I actually reported some of the crap they did and she and I ended up, happily, in foster care--I think I got all of three pages down, but it would've been a heckuva story, lol.) And I threatened to move away but I couldn't afford to and they had ways of keeping it like that (which I actually wouldn't put past them IRL, they pretty much tried that with Kat). It's like dreaming of being an assembly line worker and of having no alternative--not scary in the sense that I was afraid of, like, being killed in a frightening way, but frustrating because I knew exactly how the rest of my life would be.
And then the snooze alarm goes off and I realize that I'm in my apartment. (This is part of the problem--if I would either just get up the first time it goes off or just sleep until I wake up, with no alarm, I wouldn't dream at all.) I calm down really quickly and have forgotten about it five minutes later. But it bothers me that it keeps happening.
I don't feel frustrated as far as my life goes. Maybe my subconscious does, but my subconscious can go to hell. As far as my alert mind is concerned, I've never been happier. I'm looking for a better job, yeah, but I'm not as stressed out about it as I was a few weeks ago. I'm keeping my eyes and ears open and as soon as I find something, I am SO out of there, but it's not my all-consuming drive.
But Kat pointed out that I do have a few things causing me stress, whether I consciously feel stressed about them or not. Her advice: take some time off work and (more or less) indulge myself. I have to pay off my car first. Grr.
Maybe that's it. I've been thinking about what to do with that week of paid vacation (not that I'd get a full paycheck since they base it on your average hours and I wasn't working 40 hours a week the whole year last year--last year at this time I was working about 20, since I was still in school!--but it's still incoming money for a week of doing nothing) and my subconscious wants to go somewhere and do something so badly that's it's trying to send me a message.
*sigh* No point worrying about it until I get the car paid off.
And then the snooze alarm goes off and I realize that I'm in my apartment. (This is part of the problem--if I would either just get up the first time it goes off or just sleep until I wake up, with no alarm, I wouldn't dream at all.) I calm down really quickly and have forgotten about it five minutes later. But it bothers me that it keeps happening.
I don't feel frustrated as far as my life goes. Maybe my subconscious does, but my subconscious can go to hell. As far as my alert mind is concerned, I've never been happier. I'm looking for a better job, yeah, but I'm not as stressed out about it as I was a few weeks ago. I'm keeping my eyes and ears open and as soon as I find something, I am SO out of there, but it's not my all-consuming drive.
But Kat pointed out that I do have a few things causing me stress, whether I consciously feel stressed about them or not. Her advice: take some time off work and (more or less) indulge myself. I have to pay off my car first. Grr.
Maybe that's it. I've been thinking about what to do with that week of paid vacation (not that I'd get a full paycheck since they base it on your average hours and I wasn't working 40 hours a week the whole year last year--last year at this time I was working about 20, since I was still in school!--but it's still incoming money for a week of doing nothing) and my subconscious wants to go somewhere and do something so badly that's it's trying to send me a message.
*sigh* No point worrying about it until I get the car paid off.
So...on to happier topics.
A long time ago, in the throes of heartbreak/teenage angst, I wrote a song (not a poem, mind you, despite my utter lack of musical ability) called "Everything I Read (Kyle's Song)."
I'm not bringing this up because I've been thinking of Kyle that way. (I was talking with Shelly the other day and he came up, and since then I have been thinking I should give him a call and see if the rumors that he moved to another country for film school are true, but there are at least three other people I can think of off the top of my head that I "should give a call" to, and two of those are chicks, so as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't mean anything.) I'm bringing it up because now it's no longer Kyle.
It's Duncan. I swear the number of times in a day that I get reminded of him in one way or another is insane. I mean, I knew I thought about him a lot. But today I went to see Dad for a moment, and when I pulled in to a parking spot, the car I was facing was a relatively new Saturn--just like Duncan's car. Now, this one was black where Duncan's is that pewter color, and I knew that there was absolutely no reason that Duncan would be at my dad's workplace--but for half a second I thought it might be. (Then I noticed that the car was the wrong color and logic kicked back in.)
I think I'm psychotic. Or something. Obsessive at any rate.
He still hasn't contacted me. It's been a week as of today, and I wonder if he's back and just hasn't called, or if he's still in Kansas.Why do I have trust issues when I've never even really had a relationship to give them to me? I know I swore I wouldn't call him. But it's been a week. The one person I asked said go ahead and call him, lol. If he's still in Kansas I can ask when he'll be back, and if he's back I can ask why he didn't let me know, I guess.
I miss him. I got used to seeing him (or at least getting a message from him) every three or four days.
And I think part of me wants to spend time with him to see if that magical moment happens--the moment where it's right, and I can tell him how I feel. Or better yet, he says it first. Most of the people (not counting my mom) I ask tell me I should tell him. Duncan himself believes in seizing the day, living in the moment. The avatar at the top of this entry says it all. What might I be missing by not saying anything?
I think I've actually reached a decision. I'm deciding not to decide. I have no particular resolution to tell him or not tell him. My decision is that if the moment happens I'll go for it, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make that moment happen.
Sweet.
So you know what? I'm going to go call him now. The worst that can happen is I'll get his voicemail, right?
I'm not bringing this up because I've been thinking of Kyle that way. (I was talking with Shelly the other day and he came up, and since then I have been thinking I should give him a call and see if the rumors that he moved to another country for film school are true, but there are at least three other people I can think of off the top of my head that I "should give a call" to, and two of those are chicks, so as far as I'm concerned, it doesn't mean anything.) I'm bringing it up because now it's no longer Kyle.
It's Duncan. I swear the number of times in a day that I get reminded of him in one way or another is insane. I mean, I knew I thought about him a lot. But today I went to see Dad for a moment, and when I pulled in to a parking spot, the car I was facing was a relatively new Saturn--just like Duncan's car. Now, this one was black where Duncan's is that pewter color, and I knew that there was absolutely no reason that Duncan would be at my dad's workplace--but for half a second I thought it might be. (Then I noticed that the car was the wrong color and logic kicked back in.)
I think I'm psychotic. Or something. Obsessive at any rate.
He still hasn't contacted me. It's been a week as of today, and I wonder if he's back and just hasn't called, or if he's still in Kansas.
I miss him. I got used to seeing him (or at least getting a message from him) every three or four days.
And I think part of me wants to spend time with him to see if that magical moment happens--the moment where it's right, and I can tell him how I feel. Or better yet, he says it first. Most of the people (not counting my mom) I ask tell me I should tell him. Duncan himself believes in seizing the day, living in the moment. The avatar at the top of this entry says it all. What might I be missing by not saying anything?
I think I've actually reached a decision. I'm deciding not to decide. I have no particular resolution to tell him or not tell him. My decision is that if the moment happens I'll go for it, but I'm not going to go out of my way to make that moment happen.
Sweet.
So you know what? I'm going to go call him now. The worst that can happen is I'll get his voicemail, right?
Kat's seriously starting to research me coming up to Alberta for New Year's. YES. (I wanna see my goddaughter, dammit!)
So I shall leave you with this quote, which made me think of Duncan when I read it earlier today. (What with the carpe diem-ness of it, plus it's a musical metaphor...)
No one imagines that a symphony is supposed to improve in quality as it goes along, or that the whole object of playing it is to reach the finale. The point of music is discovered in every moment of playing and listening to it. It is the same, I feel, with the greater part of our lives, and if we are unduly absorbed in improving them we may forget altogether to live them. --Alan Watts
