MAJOR HORMONE INFLUX
Mar. 3rd, 2005 11:58 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rena_librarianPLEASE BE AWARE THAT THIS WAS WRITTEN SUNDAY NIGHT AT HOME AND NONE OF IT IS REALLY TRUE ANYMORE. Well, the stories are true, but the rest has faded. Apparently writing this was exactly the catharsis I needed. Hence the subject line. But since then, work's going great, school is all right, I feel fine again. So nobody call 911 on me, okay? I'll write more later about the good stuff. I'd do it now but D2D's a-waitin'! ^_^
I don't think I'm suicidal.
I do not in any way, shape, or form want my life to END. I just want it to go back to how it WAS.
I think it started changing near the end of last semester. I never turned in the last section of homework for Beginning Algebra. It's all gone downhill from there. I've forgotten one assignment, showed up I don't know how many times for World Lit STILL READING the assignment that we were supposed to have finished before that class period, had to write a paper in forty minutes and turn it in, and put off a monologue. (And even though Dr. Dilday was WAY sympathetic about that and all, I still can't help but think that as an ACTOR you're supposed to be able to leave your problems at the door, the show must go on and all that, and that if I was any good I could have done my monologue for him without him ever knowing that I'd been crying twenty minutes before.)
My job sucks. Or at least, it's full of paradoxes. The first day Nico told me not to worry, that I wouldn't be doing dishes forever, that the only people that kept doing dishes were the ones with no drive and ambition. Well, that first day I was thinking how much that SO wasn't me, but now that I've done some of the other jobs there, I WANT to do nothing but back drive and dishes--because I know I CAN do them. What is it that Mia says on the Princess Diaries movie? "All I want out of life is to stay invisible--and I'm GOOD at it." Something like that.
And I finally really met the b****-monster-from-h*** manager at work. I'm going to talk to Ken (the nice manager who's married to my friend Becky) about her, actually. Not about how she's not very nice, but about how she's sent me home early TWICE in the four days I've worked. Apparently she has to send people home sometimes because there's too many people there, but she always picks ME, and I don't WANT to go (though, granted, it is for purely monetary reasons), and when people find out I'm going they tell me how lucky I am and how they wish it was them. And for all the s*** I give about it, it COULD be them. I WANT it to f***ing be them.
And then--geez, every time she talks to me I hold my breath waiting for her to tell me I'm fired. I asked Nico, "Is Sandee ALWAYS like that, or does she just not like me?" and he was very reassuring. He was all about how she has that job because she has a very good mind for business, but that she has--and I quote--"zero interpersonal skills." ...There's this poster at work, in the break room (which I prefer to think of as the break cubicle, it couldn't be more than five by five feet), and it's about sexual harassment, and it blathers abuot how you have the right to not have a hostile work environment. So my question is this: WHY does it only apply to sexual hostility? Why can't managers be required, by law, to be nice? Nico also mentioned--before that, actually, he was talking about someone who had said something slightly rude--that they had just had a meeting, not too long before I started, about "please and thank you." But how can people expect their fellow workers to be nice if the MANAGER is not nice???
And there's Nico himself. I love it when he's around me because I laugh a lot, makes MY day go much better. He's just nice and nuts and tries to make things pleasant. (I don't have a crush on him, even though he's a redhead. I don't think he's a Christian. And I'm pretty sure he said he smokes, a fault I can tolerate only in Elijah, and only then because of my odds of actually ending up with him, lol.) But the thing is, I highly suspect that he's gay. I hesitate to say that, because I hate stereotyping people, but...it just kind of all adds up. (Trust me on this one.) But honestly, it wouldn't BOTHER me if he was. I don't APPROVE of the lifestyle, but I can't stop people from believing what they will, and it's not like he's trying to convert me to HIS way of thinking. It's his business. (And, after all, I could be wrong, and he could just be really, REALLY metrosexual.) But the thing is, if I get close to anyone at work, it's likely to be him, and I can just imagine what would happen if we DID get kind of buddy-buddy and then my parents found out he was gay. I would SO be dead. I would get yelled at for NOT--well, no, my parents wouldn't expect me to PREACH to him as in yelling and screaming at him, but they would want me to maintain my distance--and I don't WANT to. He's, like, my one ally at work.
Grandma's dying. I honestly have my doubts as to whether she'll make it to her birthday--March 27th. On Friday they took her to the psych ward at the hospital (Dad insists that that's not REALLY what it is, and even the hospital has named it the "behavioral health" wing, but all the names I heard for it were euphamisms for psych ward) because she was just going on and on, "Oh God what am I supposed to do I don't know what's going on I can't think oh my God--" That kind of thing. Running her hands through her hair. (And she was raised to think that "Oh my God" was one of the worst swear words. I heard her say "Oh, God," the other day and nearly died to hear it coming from her.) They only do psychiatric EVALUATIONS at our hospital, so she was supposed to be there two weeks, and then probably a nursing home after that. On Saturday evening I went there to see her--nearly died seeing her in PANTS, I think maybe ONCE before she had worn pants, and that was under a dress and only because it was so cold--but she seemed to be doing better, though she still wasn't eating nearly enough. Then this (Sunday) morning they called Dad asking what she wanted as far as being kept alive on machines. THAT was comforting. So anyway, long story short, now she's back in the normal hospital because she's got congestive heart failure. (I thought it was only heart "failure" if it actually killed you, but whatever.) They're trying to get the fluid off of her, but they've but her on major diuretics and they're not working as well as they should, they think she's built up a tolerance to the major one.
I just realized--today or yesterday, they've kind of blurred--that I haven't seriously DRAWN anything since before New Year's. No s***. The last thing I was working on was a D2D illustration, Mike doing the Moron Dance. (Wait, that's posted, right...? Yeah. Someone mentioned it in a review.) I told Shelly about it at New Year's and haven't picked up a pencil since. (I've doodled in margins, but that's not the same, my pen-and-ink-on-notebook-paper is never as good--except maybe in the case of my Claire/Charlie pic that I put up on DLBE.) Honestly, I don't think I've done anything creative except work on D2D since my laptop died. I have all these ideas--constantly--but I don't get to work on them except maybe five-ten minutes at a time. There's art class, but honestly, I feel so restrained there anymore, it's not much comfort. I was clinging to that, but now I'm ready to NOT have that anymore. I hope I finish my painting this week or next just so I have ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT. Gah. (Plus with my work hours, if I don't have art, I can get online after work on Mondays.)
I'm just not...happy, anymore. Not like I used to be. I mean--I enjoy myself when I'm doing certain things. If I'm online. If I'm collaborating with Shelly. If I'm on the phone with one of four certain people and they're not distracted, if they're actually talking to me. If I'm in acting class and Kira's not making me pay attention to her. If I am in the presence of Tim, if he's smiling at me and all that jazz.
But then, who am I kidding? I'm complaining about how I can't even draw anymore because I have no time, and I want a boyfriend to keep up with? God. I can't help but think that all I would do to a boyfriend now is whine to him, and thinking of how long a relationship would last if all someone did to me was whine about their sucky life--yeah. (Hello, how could their life suck anymore if *I* was in it? Obviously they don't appreciate me! Or at least that's how I reason.)
And then...my mood up there is angry, not sad. I think I feel sad, but I know it honestly has to be anger because all I feel like doing right now is crying. I only cry in anger. (That was one of those deep realizations I had about myself one day. I was ticked off at someone and was crying and figured that out.)
I wish to God I knew who I was so p***ed at. The doctors for not healing Grandma? Sandee, for making work so horrible the other day? Myself, for taking on so much?
And then I keep thinking about how little I really have--just school and a job. Zillions of other people do the same thing and they're not this upset. So that really makes me question my worth, wonder if I'm really capable of surviving in the real world. Part of me says that if I had the kind of job I WANTED, it would be better, and someday I won't have school and papers and all that, and I'll be fine. Another part of me says that things will never improve.
I can't live at home forever. I cannot deal with my parents much longer even now. So if I can't fend for myself, where does that leave me? Getting married and depending on my husband. And I can't do that. Sure, it's like...romantic. But you can't depend on another person, because you never know what's going through their minds. You never know that you'll definitely be together forever. I know all that. And besides the practical reasons why you CAN'T do that, I would be ashamed of myself if I did. (And besides that, my prospects of getting married are pretty slim. I can't even get a boyfriend.)
My point is, like I said, I'm not happy anymore. I have happy moments, but I used to be constantly happy. Now I have to be doing a certain thing or be in a certain place to be happy.
My mother would, if she read this, say that it's because I'm depending on those happenings, that I'm letting my circumstances dictate my mood, and that if I truly had God's joy then it wouldn't matter what was going on. I don't think that's true, not completely. I think that no matter how joyful you are, your circumstances can affect you.
But God. I want out of this funk. I've been blaming lack of sleep, but when you go to bed in the eleven (ha, I typoed that as "elven"--at least I still have my sense of humor) o'clock hour and wake up in the six o'clock hour without an alarm, I think it's safe to say that you have had enough sleep. (I do tend to wake up two hours early when I have to set my own alarm, but the last two days, I had trouble going BACK to sleep even after I'd reassured myself that I had not overslept and that my alarm was still on.)
My stomach hurts. I'm not sure if it's being overfull--that's what it was earlier, and it may not have faded yet--or if it's all this emotional stuff.
And I really have no purge to speak of, no way to induce a catharsis. (Ha. That's a word I picked up from Dr. Dilday's classes. I feel smart. Not really.) I don't know what I used to do, but apparently I'm not doing it anymore because I can tell that this has all built up.
That's another thing. I don't feel smart anymore. I used to think--no, KNOW--how intelligent I was. You don't score 30 on the ACT by being an idiot. Granted, I think that a lot of my math score was luck, but I KNOW that the English/reading/social studies stuff was all by my own merit. But lately every time I turn around I do something that makes me feel like a complete idiot. The one thing that made me stand out in a crowd is slipping away. I have a funny feeling that if I took the ACT again I'd score much lower. My intelligence is a major part of who I am, I've always been a brainiac, and now to see my cumulative GPA slide away from a 4.0--even though it's only down to a 3.8!--is just earth-shattering for me. If I'm not smart, how am I going to get/stay ahead?
Okay. I have a paper to write now. It's due tomorrow, I'm unhappy with my research, but I can't do anything about it. I'm dreading the grade. I will probably get a B but that is not good enough for me.
I would love nothing more than to just stay home tomorrow. No work, no class. Just wake up when I feel like, pull some clothes on, and get online long enough to update D2D and check my two boards. Clean my room, maybe. It looks like s***, but I've been so busy I haven't been able to keep THAT up, either.
All right. I could go on for days but nobody would read it. Warning: Any and all comments that are mean-spirited or unsympathetic will be deleted. I know I sound whiny, but if it isn't crystal-clear to you that I have enough s*** going on my life right now, then I don't really care what you think. Good night.
Aside to Shelly: do you see now why I make D2D a priority? It's one of the few ever-pleasant things I have left.
SEE NOTE AT TOP BEFORE COMMENTING, PLEASE.
I don't think I'm suicidal.
I do not in any way, shape, or form want my life to END. I just want it to go back to how it WAS.
I think it started changing near the end of last semester. I never turned in the last section of homework for Beginning Algebra. It's all gone downhill from there. I've forgotten one assignment, showed up I don't know how many times for World Lit STILL READING the assignment that we were supposed to have finished before that class period, had to write a paper in forty minutes and turn it in, and put off a monologue. (And even though Dr. Dilday was WAY sympathetic about that and all, I still can't help but think that as an ACTOR you're supposed to be able to leave your problems at the door, the show must go on and all that, and that if I was any good I could have done my monologue for him without him ever knowing that I'd been crying twenty minutes before.)
My job sucks. Or at least, it's full of paradoxes. The first day Nico told me not to worry, that I wouldn't be doing dishes forever, that the only people that kept doing dishes were the ones with no drive and ambition. Well, that first day I was thinking how much that SO wasn't me, but now that I've done some of the other jobs there, I WANT to do nothing but back drive and dishes--because I know I CAN do them. What is it that Mia says on the Princess Diaries movie? "All I want out of life is to stay invisible--and I'm GOOD at it." Something like that.
And I finally really met the b****-monster-from-h*** manager at work. I'm going to talk to Ken (the nice manager who's married to my friend Becky) about her, actually. Not about how she's not very nice, but about how she's sent me home early TWICE in the four days I've worked. Apparently she has to send people home sometimes because there's too many people there, but she always picks ME, and I don't WANT to go (though, granted, it is for purely monetary reasons), and when people find out I'm going they tell me how lucky I am and how they wish it was them. And for all the s*** I give about it, it COULD be them. I WANT it to f***ing be them.
And then--geez, every time she talks to me I hold my breath waiting for her to tell me I'm fired. I asked Nico, "Is Sandee ALWAYS like that, or does she just not like me?" and he was very reassuring. He was all about how she has that job because she has a very good mind for business, but that she has--and I quote--"zero interpersonal skills." ...There's this poster at work, in the break room (which I prefer to think of as the break cubicle, it couldn't be more than five by five feet), and it's about sexual harassment, and it blathers abuot how you have the right to not have a hostile work environment. So my question is this: WHY does it only apply to sexual hostility? Why can't managers be required, by law, to be nice? Nico also mentioned--before that, actually, he was talking about someone who had said something slightly rude--that they had just had a meeting, not too long before I started, about "please and thank you." But how can people expect their fellow workers to be nice if the MANAGER is not nice???
And there's Nico himself. I love it when he's around me because I laugh a lot, makes MY day go much better. He's just nice and nuts and tries to make things pleasant. (I don't have a crush on him, even though he's a redhead. I don't think he's a Christian. And I'm pretty sure he said he smokes, a fault I can tolerate only in Elijah, and only then because of my odds of actually ending up with him, lol.) But the thing is, I highly suspect that he's gay. I hesitate to say that, because I hate stereotyping people, but...it just kind of all adds up. (Trust me on this one.) But honestly, it wouldn't BOTHER me if he was. I don't APPROVE of the lifestyle, but I can't stop people from believing what they will, and it's not like he's trying to convert me to HIS way of thinking. It's his business. (And, after all, I could be wrong, and he could just be really, REALLY metrosexual.) But the thing is, if I get close to anyone at work, it's likely to be him, and I can just imagine what would happen if we DID get kind of buddy-buddy and then my parents found out he was gay. I would SO be dead. I would get yelled at for NOT--well, no, my parents wouldn't expect me to PREACH to him as in yelling and screaming at him, but they would want me to maintain my distance--and I don't WANT to. He's, like, my one ally at work.
Grandma's dying. I honestly have my doubts as to whether she'll make it to her birthday--March 27th. On Friday they took her to the psych ward at the hospital (Dad insists that that's not REALLY what it is, and even the hospital has named it the "behavioral health" wing, but all the names I heard for it were euphamisms for psych ward) because she was just going on and on, "Oh God what am I supposed to do I don't know what's going on I can't think oh my God--" That kind of thing. Running her hands through her hair. (And she was raised to think that "Oh my God" was one of the worst swear words. I heard her say "Oh, God," the other day and nearly died to hear it coming from her.) They only do psychiatric EVALUATIONS at our hospital, so she was supposed to be there two weeks, and then probably a nursing home after that. On Saturday evening I went there to see her--nearly died seeing her in PANTS, I think maybe ONCE before she had worn pants, and that was under a dress and only because it was so cold--but she seemed to be doing better, though she still wasn't eating nearly enough. Then this (Sunday) morning they called Dad asking what she wanted as far as being kept alive on machines. THAT was comforting. So anyway, long story short, now she's back in the normal hospital because she's got congestive heart failure. (I thought it was only heart "failure" if it actually killed you, but whatever.) They're trying to get the fluid off of her, but they've but her on major diuretics and they're not working as well as they should, they think she's built up a tolerance to the major one.
I just realized--today or yesterday, they've kind of blurred--that I haven't seriously DRAWN anything since before New Year's. No s***. The last thing I was working on was a D2D illustration, Mike doing the Moron Dance. (Wait, that's posted, right...? Yeah. Someone mentioned it in a review.) I told Shelly about it at New Year's and haven't picked up a pencil since. (I've doodled in margins, but that's not the same, my pen-and-ink-on-notebook-paper is never as good--except maybe in the case of my Claire/Charlie pic that I put up on DLBE.) Honestly, I don't think I've done anything creative except work on D2D since my laptop died. I have all these ideas--constantly--but I don't get to work on them except maybe five-ten minutes at a time. There's art class, but honestly, I feel so restrained there anymore, it's not much comfort. I was clinging to that, but now I'm ready to NOT have that anymore. I hope I finish my painting this week or next just so I have ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT. Gah. (Plus with my work hours, if I don't have art, I can get online after work on Mondays.)
I'm just not...happy, anymore. Not like I used to be. I mean--I enjoy myself when I'm doing certain things. If I'm online. If I'm collaborating with Shelly. If I'm on the phone with one of four certain people and they're not distracted, if they're actually talking to me. If I'm in acting class and Kira's not making me pay attention to her. If I am in the presence of Tim, if he's smiling at me and all that jazz.
But then, who am I kidding? I'm complaining about how I can't even draw anymore because I have no time, and I want a boyfriend to keep up with? God. I can't help but think that all I would do to a boyfriend now is whine to him, and thinking of how long a relationship would last if all someone did to me was whine about their sucky life--yeah. (Hello, how could their life suck anymore if *I* was in it? Obviously they don't appreciate me! Or at least that's how I reason.)
And then...my mood up there is angry, not sad. I think I feel sad, but I know it honestly has to be anger because all I feel like doing right now is crying. I only cry in anger. (That was one of those deep realizations I had about myself one day. I was ticked off at someone and was crying and figured that out.)
I wish to God I knew who I was so p***ed at. The doctors for not healing Grandma? Sandee, for making work so horrible the other day? Myself, for taking on so much?
And then I keep thinking about how little I really have--just school and a job. Zillions of other people do the same thing and they're not this upset. So that really makes me question my worth, wonder if I'm really capable of surviving in the real world. Part of me says that if I had the kind of job I WANTED, it would be better, and someday I won't have school and papers and all that, and I'll be fine. Another part of me says that things will never improve.
I can't live at home forever. I cannot deal with my parents much longer even now. So if I can't fend for myself, where does that leave me? Getting married and depending on my husband. And I can't do that. Sure, it's like...romantic. But you can't depend on another person, because you never know what's going through their minds. You never know that you'll definitely be together forever. I know all that. And besides the practical reasons why you CAN'T do that, I would be ashamed of myself if I did. (And besides that, my prospects of getting married are pretty slim. I can't even get a boyfriend.)
My point is, like I said, I'm not happy anymore. I have happy moments, but I used to be constantly happy. Now I have to be doing a certain thing or be in a certain place to be happy.
My mother would, if she read this, say that it's because I'm depending on those happenings, that I'm letting my circumstances dictate my mood, and that if I truly had God's joy then it wouldn't matter what was going on. I don't think that's true, not completely. I think that no matter how joyful you are, your circumstances can affect you.
But God. I want out of this funk. I've been blaming lack of sleep, but when you go to bed in the eleven (ha, I typoed that as "elven"--at least I still have my sense of humor) o'clock hour and wake up in the six o'clock hour without an alarm, I think it's safe to say that you have had enough sleep. (I do tend to wake up two hours early when I have to set my own alarm, but the last two days, I had trouble going BACK to sleep even after I'd reassured myself that I had not overslept and that my alarm was still on.)
My stomach hurts. I'm not sure if it's being overfull--that's what it was earlier, and it may not have faded yet--or if it's all this emotional stuff.
And I really have no purge to speak of, no way to induce a catharsis. (Ha. That's a word I picked up from Dr. Dilday's classes. I feel smart. Not really.) I don't know what I used to do, but apparently I'm not doing it anymore because I can tell that this has all built up.
That's another thing. I don't feel smart anymore. I used to think--no, KNOW--how intelligent I was. You don't score 30 on the ACT by being an idiot. Granted, I think that a lot of my math score was luck, but I KNOW that the English/reading/social studies stuff was all by my own merit. But lately every time I turn around I do something that makes me feel like a complete idiot. The one thing that made me stand out in a crowd is slipping away. I have a funny feeling that if I took the ACT again I'd score much lower. My intelligence is a major part of who I am, I've always been a brainiac, and now to see my cumulative GPA slide away from a 4.0--even though it's only down to a 3.8!--is just earth-shattering for me. If I'm not smart, how am I going to get/stay ahead?
Okay. I have a paper to write now. It's due tomorrow, I'm unhappy with my research, but I can't do anything about it. I'm dreading the grade. I will probably get a B but that is not good enough for me.
I would love nothing more than to just stay home tomorrow. No work, no class. Just wake up when I feel like, pull some clothes on, and get online long enough to update D2D and check my two boards. Clean my room, maybe. It looks like s***, but I've been so busy I haven't been able to keep THAT up, either.
All right. I could go on for days but nobody would read it. Warning: Any and all comments that are mean-spirited or unsympathetic will be deleted. I know I sound whiny, but if it isn't crystal-clear to you that I have enough s*** going on my life right now, then I don't really care what you think. Good night.
Aside to Shelly: do you see now why I make D2D a priority? It's one of the few ever-pleasant things I have left.
SEE NOTE AT TOP BEFORE COMMENTING, PLEASE.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-03-04 01:06 am (UTC)I hate to say it, but I think I understand how you feel. I hate it when people say that and don't really, so I don't say it often. But your situation is like mine, scarily so. Just letting you know you aren't alone. Its a rough patch, thing usually get better. Do you have trouble with changes you can't control? And you said your stomach hurts- that happens when you get stressed out sometimes. You can also get headaches.
And I finally really met the b****-monster-from-h*** manager at work....
May I say I'm so glad I'm not working? Its a tough place to be in yours. You could go to the manager, and she could not be happy, or she might change. If you stand up for yourself, you could end up in a rough place. The real world stinks. But I think you should talk to the manager about that. Maybe he could help you? If he can't, what can you do? Stick it out and count the days till a better job? *Hugs*
And there's Nico himself. I love it when he's around me because I laugh a lot, makes MY day go much better. He's just nice and nuts and tries to make things pleasant. (I don't have a crush on him, even though he's a redhead. I don't think he's a Christian. And I'm pretty sure he said he smokes, a fault I can tolerate only in Elijah, and only then because of my odds of actually ending up with him, lol.) But the thing is, I highly suspect that he's gay...
Your parents shouldn't dictate who you talk and distance yourself to. No matter how biblical you get, its not kind to remove yourself from different people. The way I see it is that you might not share their beliefs and reasons for being the way they are, but you can be accepting of them. Parents are problems. But your an Adult now. I don't think you can get away from them yet, but they should only be able to so much.
Grandma's dying. I honestly have my doubts as to whether she'll make it to her birthday--March 27th. On Friday they took her to the psych ward at the hospital
I don't know what to say, I've never really experienced the loss of a grandparent (Only one that left my Grandmother and I only met him once when I was six. That doesn't count). I just hope you and your family can cope and do well with all this. And you dear. *Hugs* I'm dreadfully inarticulate when it comes to some things.
Myself, for taking on so much?
Don't be that, at least. Its the only way you feel better. I have lots of thing sI wish to say but not time to say them right now. I should be practicing! Gah!
My mother would, if she read this, say that it's because I'm depending on those happenings, that I'm letting my circumstances dictate my mood, and that if I truly had God's joy then it wouldn't matter what was going on. I don't think that's true, not completely. I think that no matter how joyful you are, your circumstances can affect you.
I DOWNRIGHT hate it when people say things like that. HATE it. Its not true. At least not to me.
My intelligence is a major part of who I am, I've always been a brainiac, and now to see my cumulative GPA slide away from a 4.0--even though it's only down to a 3.8!--is just earth-shattering for me. If I'm not smart, how am I going to get/stay ahead?
It has nothing to do with your intellegence. Feelings affect your grades. Studies have proven. I feel the same way with how my grades have gone this year, but everyone hits a plateau once and awhile.
*hugs* I'm glad you don't feel this way anymore at the moment. Everyone gets times like these when it seems like nothing's going right. *Hugs* I hope everything gets better for you dear, and you don't think I'm beinh hyper-critical of you. I'm not even trying to be critical, I just feel like what I'm trying to verbalize is coming out that way.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-08 05:07 pm (UTC)Thanks. I am feeling much better. Like I said at the top, I NEEDED to write that, and now I'm fine again. ^_^ I have a new entry saved on a floppy that I'm going to post when I get done commenting on all the comments, lol, and you'll be able to see then. Life is good again. ^_-
no subject
Date: 2005-03-08 11:57 pm (UTC)*then read post*
no subject
Date: 2005-03-09 12:16 am (UTC)