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I keep looking at myself in the mirror and going "Where the heck was I storing all that extra weight?"

And then I look at old pictures--from my wedding, or Michele's little sister just tagged me in one from Michele's wedding--and I'm like Oh, there it is.

I don't remember looking like that.

Thinking back to where I was at weight-wise when I was in college, I understand now why people were honestly surprised when they realized "Oh hey, you actually are smart." Not that there actually is a connection between fat cells and brain cells, I know this, but, well, assumptions are made based on appearances, even by myself, admittedly.

(I think this is why I like the internet--for better or for worse, you're 100% in control of how you present yourself.)
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So sometimes I still go look at Cody's Facebook. Mostly when I see a status or new picture that's...out of left field. Right now it was that he posted a picture 21 hours ago from Bourbon Street in New Orleans and I'm insanely curious as to what he's doing there--I would imagine he went with his folks? But maybe not?

Wait, yes, his mom posted more pics with all of them in them.

Long story short, I end up looking at his pics and such because--well, Facebook is a timesuck, and. GAH. IDK I'm just going to admit it's probably not healthy and move along.

BUT. Truthfully? He was more attractive (facially) with more weight on him. Like, he's doing good from the neck down, but his face. OMG. Not pretty anymore.

Or maybe that's just, like...the charm has worn off? When he used to be sweet to me I could see past the imperfections, and now I can't? Come to think of it, it wasn't like I had the hots for him immediately--I found him a lot more attractive after we got to know each other pretty well. But then again I look at older pictures, pictures of us when there was an us, and he looks cute to me in those.

I don't know.

I've finally figured out that the sweet boy I married and the person he is now are not the same, and while I can't pinpoint where the transformation took place (or began, if it wasn't all at once, though it felt like it was), the point is, it has. Even if he wanted me back, it wouldn't be like falling in love all over again, not a repeat of the first time--if anything worked out it would be like falling in love with someone completely new. The guy that wrote me love songs and kissed me gently and called me beautiful is no more. Oh, and have I mentioned he's taken up smoking? Idiot. Why did I throw my life away on him? I want my first kiss--first everything--back, thanks. >_<

Anyway, there's no point in wasting my time wishing that I didn't have to do this, because I do. I really hate the idea of being divorced, I do, but to take him back as he is would just...not work, and be wrong, and frankly I don't want to. He's coming across as kind of a douche now (and it isn't just the smoking). And I don't see him having the change of heart that would need to happen (before things could work) anytime soon. So I have got to get on the paperwork for making the separation legal. After 18 months of separation we can get a no-fault divorce. I'm not sure if that's 18 months from when he moved out or 18 months from filing the paperwork, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter because legalities aren't always logical.

On the bright side I now have an excuse to never look at my wedding pictures (where I'm so, so fat) ever again. XD Silver lining, anyone?

And I know it wouldn't be smart right now--we need to get the legalities sorted out for starters--but I really want to start dating again. Or more accurately, I want to be married again. Just not to him. (We won't even talk about the sexual frustration because that's another can of worms entirely.)

Afterthought: I should be getting my car Monday. A week and a half after the guy originally thought it would be ready. (I was supposed to have driven it to the concert.)

sad news

Apr. 17th, 2011 03:25 am
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Copied and pasted from Facebook.

I've blocked the people from work that I'm friends with on Facebook from viewing this as I'm trying to keep this quiet at work; I've told the supervisors but I just don't want to deal with the questions or the pity looks from my coworkers. It's hard enough getting work done without that kind of interruption.

Cody left last Friday. This isn't as much of a shock as it probably seems. We've been arguing for a while and I just haven't said anything to anyone because I didn't think things would end up like this. I thought we'd get things resolved. I wanted--still want--to work things out between us, but things have gotten to a point where I can't do it alone. Even if he called me up and wanted to come back, I would insist on going to marriage counseling. This is one of the biggest problems, really--he flat-out refuses to go to any kind of counseling or therapy, with or without me. My hands are tied--there is literally nothing else I can do.

I don't want to go into everything--I've hashed it all out with a few people already and frankly it isn't everyone's business--but the thing that really tipped the scales (and started us bickering at all) is that Cody's now decided he wants kids, which I made plain before we were ever even dating wasn't going to happen. And as much as this sucks, and as bad as I hate it, I still feel like motherhood (even adoption, even foster parenting with a limited age range) would be ten times more hellish than what I'm going through now. I haven't changed my mind in the last ten+ years, I don't think I'll be changing it in the future.

I'm not 100% sure what the future holds. I know for sure that if there's any way at all to make it happen, I want to move away--I've wanted out of this town for as long as I can remember. In the words of Beauty and the Beast, "There must be more than this provincial life." And without Cody I really have no reason to stay--in fact, I would've moved in November of 2008, when I was unemployed, but for the fact that I didn't want to make our long-distance relationship even longer-distance. I'll obviously need to get a new job lined up before I can pack up and go, though. I have two locations in mind but I have people I need to talk to first just to even see if it would be plausible.

I'll answer questions, if anyone has them, if they're not too nosy. If I decide your question IS too nosy I won't be afraid to say so.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm coping. I really don't have any choice but to move forward--I don't hold out a lot of hope that anything's going to change.



Added on LJ: I'm sure it's no shock to anyone that my main coping device has been music, but even I'm mildly surprised that Kurt from Glee has been my go-to--favorite character or no, I wouldn't think the songs would parallel. But Rose's Turn and Defying Gravity have helped A LOT.

Hm.

Feb. 7th, 2010 11:54 pm
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So. Forks, Washington, is actually a real town, not a town made up for Twilight. And the folks that live there are trying to cash in on that any way they can. I don't blame them, in this economy it's probably really helpful for them. There's talks of a Twilight Hotel, in the meantime The Pacific Hotel has Twilight-themed rooms.


They look like this (this is the photo from the above link):



Somewhat dark-and-depressing, you'd think they'd model them after the way a certain room looked in the movie rather than just plaster a black-and-red room with posters, but whatever.

The caveat? The reason I'm posting about this at all?

That's the same comforter set Cody and I have on our bed. RIGHT NOW. (Also, we have one of those lampshades on a small lamp in the living room, which has the same black/red/apartment-carpet-tan color scheme) Cody has informed me that I am not allowed to spend another ~hundred dollars on new bedding. And considering that, for the wedding, we registered for extra sets of black sheets to match it, and now have three sets, I can see where it would be wise to stick with our investment. But it's still sucky.

On the other hand, this means that the average annoying 14-year-old Twilight fan is expected to sleep on Wal-Mart bedding and feel like it's somehow special/luxuriant/worth more money (as I'm sure this room goes for a premium price). Haha.

And, though I shouldn't be behaving like the average annoying 14-year-old, we had it first! Neener-neener-neener! =P

(In the interest of full disclosure: No, I haven't read/watched Twilight. From what I've read/heard about it, I have a feeling that if/when I do, I may enjoy the overall storyline, but hate Stephanie Meyer's writing style. And the fact that's it's so widely inescapable is irritating no matter how good or crappy it may be.)
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So yeah. Got married. Was awesome. Pictures here and here. =) (You don't have to be on Facebook, or my friend on Facebook, to view them with those links, but if you ARE on Facebook and want to add me, add me. =) ) It's kept me busy for a while (I'm still working on thank-you notes), and LJ will only archive your flist for two weeks, so...yeah, I hate to do this to you all, but I'm declaring LJ bankruptcy. I'm reading the entries made in the last two weeks, and beyond that, well, if I missed something amazingly stupendously huge/important in any of your lives, leave me a link to any/all relevant entries in comments on this entry. (I've been ignoring LJ for a while before the wedding as well, I know--I don't think I've really blogged about my job much at all. But then, I'm not really supposed to. =/ According to Facebook, I am a ninja, since I can't put the name of the place, lol.)
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...of FAILURE.

Yeah, I'm still kinda behind on LJ and not making all the comments I would usually make, but I have decided--

DUDE. The wedding is in NINE DAYS. We're down to SINGLE DIGITS, people! So I'm just going to BE behind on interwebs, and I'll see you all when I get done honeymoonin'. I may be around in the meantime, but I'm not going to sweat it if this is the last post I make until then.

Happy Halloween/time change. =)


PS--I wore kitty ears and drew a nose/whiskers on myself for work Friday, in case anyone wondered what I dressed up as. No pics, though, because it was so simple.
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Blah blah blah, I fail at LiveJournal, etc etc. Not sure if I'm going to read the last...month?...of entries or not, we'll see how far backed up I am.

The main reason for this is Google Reader: I decided to separate syndicated content from meaningful content (instead of reading all of it together and getting SUPER backlogged all the time). Therefore ICHC and such are checked on Google Reader, and LJ is for...well, actual people. Lol.

I really just wanted to come around and say:

A) Yeah, still alive, wedding plans rolling.
B) I spent the weekend with Josh and Shelly and we watched Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog/Commentary! The Musical and I have been left wibbling. In a very good way. (Yeeeah I might have a crush on NPH now, but this is hardly the first time I've developed a fondness for the unattainable, lol.) And yeah yeah yeah I KNOW I need to, you know, dive into the rest of Jossverse, but please, maybe, can it wait until after the wedding?



PS: This weather makes me happy. Le sigh. =)
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So before I go back to bed--

Er. Cody and I have differing schedules and he often wants to go to bed earlier than I do. So I get in bed with him and we snuggle. After he's fully out, I'm free to get back up and stay up as late as I please. This has actually resulted in me staying up until his alarm went off the next morning once or twice, lol. And tonight he went to bed at like 9:30 and I fell asleep too, and woke around like 12:30. I probably would've stayed in bed had I not needed to flatiron.

--anyway. I started a new job. Like going on three weeks ago, eep. Way to neglect LJ. I'm working for a collections agency. I have a desk again, joy!

Yes, I have seen names I recognized. No one here on LJ, lol, but still. (I probably shouldn't even say that. HIPPA and all, since most of our clients--ie the people not getting money from people--are doctors.)

Not that it matters--thus far my duties have been data entry and mail sorting, checking up on other people's work and taking payments. I'm not in charge of the decisions like ZOMG RAWR WE'RE GONNA SUE THIS DUDE FOR OUR MONEY BLARGLE BLARGLE BLAH.

Officially, I'm training for several positions, and may or may not be put into a particular niche later on. I'm indifferent, really. I have a desk and guaranteed hours and don't have to wear a uniform. =) (I think the dress code is pretty lax as far as these things go--I've seen people in jeans and t-shirts. I'm more worried about them bitching about my makeup, honestly.)

And wedding plans are still rolling. We're 54 days out. Holy crap. That's almost, but not quite, two months. Eep. Must order purple paper!

Oh, and RSVP fail, family. 4 replies out of 80 invites? WTF?

And in case I haven't said it around here, I am REALLY into makeup now. Like I actually bother to put it on damn near every day, unless I oversleep. I'm working on making video tutorials for YouTube--more on that later, when they actually are ready to go up. =)

Cody and I went out to the fair tonight. We didn't ride any rides because the tickets were stupid expensive--or at least they were once you realized that most of the good rides required 2-3 tickets to ride. (Seriously, $4.50 to ride the FERRIS WHEEL? I don't care if it WAS purchased from the Neverland Ranch like a year ago.) But we had a good time, and he won me a penguin. =) There was a woman who would guess your age or weight and I told Cody to have her guess his age. She guessed 23. XD (Which just goes to prove that people don't exactly see us and think I'm a cradle-robber, lol.)

Okay. Bedtime. Tata!

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Obligatory blogthings post which no one is expected to peruse, soon to be followed by something resembling actual content. =D



You Should Honeymoon in the USA!



You and your sweetie want a fun filled honeymoon, without a lot of stress or hassle.

You want to kick back and enjoy your time together. You don't want to have to worry about food poisoning or learning a new language.



The USA is the perfect spot for you... whether you're kicking it in Vegas, Disneyworld, or even Hawaii.

From spas to amusement parts to cities and beaches, no other place can offer you so much variety!




Well, that was pretty much guaranteed by the fact that Cody doesn't have a passport! That was totally useless... *facepalm*


More under the cut, obvs. )
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If you've been tagged or you are reading this, you have the honor of copying all these goofy questions, writing your own response, and tagging other victims. You have to tag me, too. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you - but not in a creepy stalker kind of way.

1. What time did you get up this morning? 10:50. I know because it was before the alarm went off. (Had to be at work at noon. =) )
2. How do you like your steak? Medium-well. Maybe medium if the place looks clean. =)
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Coraline 3D!
4. What is your favorite TV show? Lost.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? I can think of at least three feasible answers to this question, and that's not even narrowing it down to specific cities.
6. What did you have for breakfast? Malt-O-Meal knockoff Frosted Shredded Wheat.
7. What is your favorite cuisine? Italian, I think.
8. What foods do you dislike? ...this list could fill a book, honestly.
9. Favorite Place to Eat? When money is no object, El Chico's. When money is kind of an object, Chili's (Cody and I ate there the night we got engaged).
10. Favorite dressing? I don't really do salad. Or anything mayonnaise-y.
11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? 1990 Chrysler LeBaron convertible. =) That car is almost 20, people.
12. What are your favorite clothes? I have a couple of outfits I love, but I think my favorites are the ones that lend themselves to being worn with an awesome pair of shoes. I get more excited about coordinating an outfit (picking jewelry/makeup/shoes/etc to match) than I do about the clothes themselves, if that makes sense.
13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? Japan.
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Half full, generally. Unless I wasn't planning on sharing and half is now mysteriously missing...
15. Where would you want to retire? IDK. I have a feeling that Cody is going to insist on being close to our families, if they're all still more or less in one place.
16. Favorite time of day? Twilight, though it has nothing to do with the books.
17. Where were you born? Mountain Home. BRMC to be precise.
18. What is your favorite sport to watch? I *might* tune in for skating during the Winter Olympics. Maybe. That's about it.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? IDK and IDC. =)
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? See above.
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? Eh.
22. Bird watcher? Sometimes, with my client. They have a hummingbird feeder right outside the kitchen window.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Oh, definitely a night owl.
24. Do you have any pets? I have a fish. Speaking of which, I need to feed him.
25. Any new and exciting news you'd like to share? Not really. The most exciting thing going on right now is that (if all the trades go through on bookmooch) I'm less than 10 books away from having the whole set of Animorphs books. Wedding planning is surprisingly meh at the moment. (Need to get the DRESS going!!)
26. What did you want to be when you were little? So many answers. The most awesome one was President.
27. What is your best childhood memory? Mom built me an awesome tent when I was five or so. I think we left it up until we moved from that house, that's how awesome it was.
28. Are you a cat or dog person? Cat! Dogs terrify me.
29. Are you married? Legally, but we haven't had the wedding yet. =)
30. Always wear your seat belt? Yeah. The only exception to this would be driving from my apartment to the dumpster/mailbox area at the front of the apartment complex.
31. Been in a car accident? One time when it was raining super hard, I knocked off my side mirror by smacking against a woman stopped in the turning lane. We never were sure if she wasn't over far enough or if I swerved into her lane.
32. Any pet peeves? Stupidity. Poor grammar in particular.
33. Favorite Pizza Toppings? Pepperoni.
34. Favorite Flower? Jonquils (my birthflower), if I have to pick. Anything clean and simple. But flowers are something I appreciate more in pictures than in person.
35. Favorite ice cream? I go through phases, but I do love me some chocolate chip cookie dough. =)
36. Favorite fast food restaurant? Hm. Probably Wendy's, honestly. Sonic if we have the money to get non-soda drinks.
37. How many times did you fail your driver's test? Twice, actually. Took it in Yellville instead of Mountain Home the third time. =)
38. From whom did you get your last email? Offbeat Bride Tribe.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? It's already maxed out! Thanks, unemployment! =P
40. Do anything spontaneous lately? Huh. Not really. Not anything huge anyway.
41. Like your job? If I had more hours--!!
42. Broccoli? If I have to. It's better when cooked with carrots.
43. What was your favorite vacation? Nova Scotia!
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Cody, of course. Lol.
45. What are you listening to right now? www.memory by Alan Jackson.
46. What is your favorite color? Purple!!
47. How many tattoos do you have? None. YET. It's kind of like when I wanted to get a second piercing in my ears...I felt kind of deviant for wanting it until I realized just how many people have them.
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? None. =D
49. What time did you finish this quiz? It's 8:08.
50. Coffee Drinker? Yeah, sometimes I like a little coffee in my sugar and cream. =) 10x better with ice!
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We're coming up on 3 months left until the wedding. It all feels a bit...unreal.

I should probably be folding origami lilies, because I think I'm going to need to fold a buttload. How many flowers does it take to make a bouquet? 10? If so I'll need something in the neighborhood of 40, PLUS maybe mom-corsages? Boutonnieres can be a single flower, right? I know that doesn't sound like a lot, but it took me 30 minutes to fold the first one, and 15 for the second. Even if they all take only 15 minutes, that's 10 hour of work. (And now, actually, that's comforting...I was thinking way more than that.)

The seamstress is not calling me. She said she'd call me when the taffeta samples came in. I've heard from some other people that this woman really needs to be hounded and then she will come through at the last minute--but I want my dress NOW. I'm calling her Monday and if the samples aren't in I'm going to talk to her about getting fabric elsewhere, and if that's not an option we'll go with choice #2, satin with an--organza? I forget what kind of fabric it was, but it was transparent and sparkly--overlay.

I know exactly what shoes I want. Problem is finding them in a size I can wear. Converse no longer sells them, at least not on their website, and so far I haven't caught them on eBay for less than $100. Eep. If that doesn't work out, the backup plan is custom Chucks in the wedding colors with our date embroidered on the back. =)

We need to make a trip to St. Louis--I plan on getting all my jewelry from Claire's or Icing. I really wanted to go closer to prom or the post-prom season, but that just plain didn't work out. =( We also need to register for presents. (Well, honestly, the idea of a gift registry feels kind of icky to me, but so many people are asking me what we need, I feel obligated.)

I want to have a new wedding website, because theknot.com kinda sucks on that front, and thought to myself, "Hey, Cody could do that, right?" And I asked him to do it...and he came up with something nice, but I'm NOT going to be able to go in and make changes if/when I want to (which is probably going to be more and more as the wedding gets closer). He says "It'll be easy!" but I'm like, "uh...my HTML skills are okay for editing MySpace, but that looks like total gibberish..." Sigh.

...so what HAVE we done? Well, the church is booked. =P We actually purchased paper for said origami flowers. We bought Cody a new pair of Chucks, which are currently tucked away in the closet, not getting scuffed up. I bought a sexy pair of panties for the wedding night. And I've researched the honeymoon, we know where we want to go, but we haven't booked anything. Sigh. Oh, and I've booked a baker for the cake.
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Knot: tied. As of yesterday.

125 days to the actual wedding, when (hopefully) it will feel real. Lol.

We called a JOP to do the marriage, and when he asked where we wanted to meet he asked where would be good for us, and he suggested Hickory Park, which is where Cody and I had our first date. =) Yay good omens.
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Cody's moving in.

He was spending so much time here that it got to the point where it seemed a little bit ridiculous to be paying two rents, two sets of groceries, etc.

We're going to the courthouse and getting married on paper solely to keep my parents from throwing a hissyfit/killing either of us/withdraw funding from the wedding, WHICH WE ARE TOTALLY STILL HAVING, same plans as before. As far as Cody and I are concerned, we're not really going to be married until then. We're not going to celebrate the courthouse anniversary in any way.

I'm not pregnant--I couldn't be pregnant, lol, we're still waiting. (If that was what was going on, we'd be canceling/postponing the wedding...I've seen too many marriages go sour after being jump-started by a baby.) It's just financially logical. And it will allow us to get a good bit of paperwork out of the way--we can set up our joint checking account (which, yeah, we could have done anyway but he didn't want to until we were living together), get my name legally changed, and apparently pay considerably less for car insurance for both of us than either one of us pays alone (at least, so said Progressive.com last night). I can travel under my married name on our honeymoon (which we will be taking after The Wedding).

We're already moving his stuff over, hopefully we'll be actually tying the knot tomorrow. We were going to do it Friday (having decided this Wednesday night), but all the offices were closed because of it being the 4th weekend. >_< If we can't do it tomorrow it'll be either Wednesday morning or Thursday. (Trying to work around work, lol.) Wednesday's Cody's birthday, lol.

It boils down to this...we didn't have any extra money left over as it was, but this way we're going to have the same money coming in, minus a lot of bills--so we can redirect that to the wedding. Just his rent payment for the next 3 months will pay for our flights and hotels on the honeymoon.

Work is kind of crazy. I'm now working a 24-hour shift, from 8 am Tuesday to 8 am Wednesday, in addition to the 10 hours I had with my other client. (9-noon Monday, noon-4 Wednesday, and 9-noon Friday, which should show you why we're having trouble finding time to actually GET married, lol.) There's also this training stuff at work, which we're doing Mondays from 2-5ish, but hopefully tomorrow will be the third and last one of those.

I'm kinda sorta trying to find a new job. The new hours make it not quite so necessary, but I still really want to be behind a desk. I was looking into a part-time job when I only had 10 hours, but now there's no way I could take on a second job--I'd have to quit the current one.

The 24-hour isn't so bad, there's a bedroom for us CareGivers and we can sleep, if the client's sleeping. And as of the day I was there, she's now on a med that makes her sleep through the night. It just sucks being isolated from the outside world that long--you'll probably notice I update my Facebook status a lot there, lol.

Anyway. I should be asleep. Or maybe I should stay up...Nah. Sleep. TTYL!
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Filled it out and posted my reply there. Reposting. ^_^

1. This survey gets a little personal; can you handle it? I live for these things.
2. If you married the last person you texted, what would your name be? Um, Park. But that's only legal in a few states.
3. Were you happy when you woke up today? I was confused. I don't wake up well to an alarm.
4. When were you on the phone last? And with who? Uhh...my cousin Debbie last night, trying to find her at the fireworks display.
7. What are you excited for? Well duh, the wedding. =D
8. What were you doing yesterday? Not a lot...hung out indoors until almost dark. Too hot to do anything.
9. Honestly, who was the last person to tell you they love you? Cody, the FH.
10. What is the last thing you put in your mouth? Umm...tea? I don't remember. Nothing so far today.
11. Have a best friend? Yeah.
12. Are you scared to fall in love? I would be scared to have to do it all over again...
13. Do you think teenagers can be in love? Yeah.
14. Last person you wanted to punch in the face? Someone I'm not friends with anymore.
15. What time is it right this second? 2:49 PM, central.
16. What do you want right now? For it to be dinnertime, lol.
17. Who was the last person you took a picture with? Not sure. Probably Cody.
19. When was the last time you cried? I don't really remember when, but it was a good cry--the overwhelmed-with-positive-emotion kind of cry, not a sad cry.
20. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Not really, but it's way better than when I had to live with them.
21. Do you find it hard to trust others? Ehh...no, not really. To my detriment at times.
22. How fast does your mind change? That is a rare and glacier-slow occurrence, lol.
23. I bet you miss somebody right now. Well yeah, usually, since not all my friends live in one town anymore.
24. Can you honestly say you are okay right now? I'll live.
25. Why do you think so many people cheat? In the words of Dr. Cox from Scrubs, "People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling!" I understand that sometimes people fall out of love, but I have no respect for someone who starts a new relationship without terminating the old one first.
27. What are you looking forward to in the next three months? Mostly wedding-related stuff. Trip to St. Louis, hopefully. Seeing Shelly and Josh and them meeting Cody.
28. Have you ever worn the opposite sex's clothing? Well yeah. Haven't most girls? (I find it fits me better since it's not built to hold boobs. XD)
29. When did you last talk to your number one top friend? Yesterday on MSN.
30. When is your next road trip? IDK. We're supposed to go to St. Louis at some point before the wedding.
32. How is your heart? Wonderful. =)
33. Have you ever felt like you were not important? Yeah, pretty much any time I try to get my dad's attention and we're not the only two people in the room.
34. Is somebody in love with you? Yup. ^_^
35. What are you planning on doing after this? Making the bed, going to McD's for dinner.
36. Next time you will kiss someone? Probably as soon as I post this. ^_^
37. Have you told anybody you loved them today? Yes indeedy!
38. Who do you not get along with? I can think of two people off the top of my head.
39. What does your third recent text say? Uhh...no idea. I keep my inbox/outbox empty.
40. What are you wearing right now? Black pants, blue-and-black sleeveless top. =)
42. When is the last time you had a grilled cheese? I can't even remember. I had a quesadilla last night, lol.
44. How did you feel when you woke up? Confused...
45. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? Eh. If I was really worried about it, I'd call or text them.
46. Do you crack your knuckles? Frequently.
47. What were you doing yesterday at midnight? ...more or less what I'm doing now. I might have been on LiveJournal, though.
48. What are your LEGAL initials? SES. Which reminds me, what's the legal initial for a hyphenated last name?
49. Who is the first "B" in your contacts? Hm. "Bank hotline." Lol.
50. When was the last time you laughed really hard? Uh...not sure. Probably last night.
52. Last awkward moment? Hm...definitely last Monday at work. I go into seniors' homes and help out around their houses, provide companionship, etc...well, we're doing "personal care" training at the office. We had to watch a video...let's just say they had a dummy for the female part, but NOT for the male part!! O_o There was a lot of nervous laughter.
53. Are you afraid of the dark? I'm afraid of being outside, alone, in the dark. But not afraid of the dark itself.
54. Do you have good vision? I wear contacts. So, no, not really.
55. Have you ever tripped someone? Not that I recall.
56. Have you ever slapped someone? Um...I think so.
57. Are you Irish? 1/8.
58. Do you use chapstick? No, I don't like the taste. I'm addicted to lipgloss, though.
59. Do you have any scars? Yeah.
60. Is there someone you will never forgive? When someone seriously gets on my blacklist, it isn't so much that I'm not willing to forgive and let go--I just stop having anything to do with them. What's in the past is in the past, but I will take steps to see that it doesn't happen again in the future.
62. Name the last person to text you? Kristy.
63. Would you marry someone eight years older than you? I wouldn't marry anyone other than Cody. =) But before that, 8 years would have been the max. (I'm fully for the half-your-age-plus-seven rule, and before Cody I was 22, so my range was 18 to 30, max.)
64. Can you go in public looking like you do? Well, I just came from church, so yeah.
66. What side of the bed do you sleep on? The left.
67. What is the first thing you will do on your wedding day? Eat. Eat something ridiculously sweet and decadent. Because I have been eating nothing but cereal before 5 PM for 2 or 3 months now.
69. Has anyone put their arms around you in the past five days? Yup. ^_^
70. Do you miss the way things used to be? Not really. Not enough to trade the life I have now, with Cody.
71. Has anyone ever told you they are in love with you? Lol, yes.
72. Song you are thinking of right now? For some reason I have Destiny's Child's "Independent Women" stuck in my head.
73. Want someone back in your life? I can think of a friend or two I'd like to get in touch with. I wish I had the address of the guy two guys before Cody, because I'd like to thank him for the advice he gave me when he broke up with me.
74. Will tomorrow be better than today? Maybe. No telling. I have to work tomorrow but not today so maybe not, lol.
75. What’s the color of the shirt you are wearing? Blue, with a black print.
78. Is there anyone who understands your relationship status? I think "Please Save the Date" made it pretty clear.
79. Are you a naturally happy person? Or is your happiness forced? I'm pretty darn cheerful most of the time, lol.
84. If someone liked you right now, would you want them to tell you? Well...no, not really. It would just be awkward, because there's no way they could compare to Cody.
86. Do you believe what goes around comes around? Oh yes.
87. Will your next kiss be a mistake? Nope!
91. Do you ever get good morning texts from anyone? Heck no. People know better than to text me before 10 AM.
94. Have you ever liked someone way older than you? I think the biggest age gap for someone I SERIOUSLY liked was like...4 or 5 years.
95. Do you think love lasts forever? Of course.
96. Has anyone told you they missed you lately? No.
97. Will you be in a relationship next week? I'll be seriously upset if I'm not! D=
100. Do you like being in a relationship? Oh yes.
101. Do you miss someone? Sorta.
102. Is there someone you don't ever want to be out of your life? More than one.
103. Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you? Just Cody.
104. Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with a B? Can't think of anyone.
105. What was on your mind mostly today? Food, sadly.
106. Who was the last person you spoke on the phone for over an hour? Cody.
107. Have you kissed someone in the past month? I've kissed someone in the last 5 minutes. ^_^
rena_librarian: (lewisquote)
...is this not a real product???

I would personally go in for "Classic Musty Smell," but that's because I have a soft spot in my heart for books that come from secondhand shops.

In other news, I'm looking at wedding cakes on the internet. =) Three words: mad hatter cake. Google it.

rena_librarian: (Default)
IDK if I'm going to get around to reading the flist tonight, if not, I will tomorrow. But in the meantime, have a meme gacked from the Offbeat Bride Tribe. =D


I'm doing this in my iTunes library, as opposed to my cheap mp3 player which only holds about 215 songs, so that you may all be subjected to the crack. =)

Proposal: Nothing On But the Radio/George Strait (ha! not even close)
Telling Your Friends: We Need Jesus/Petra (XD I sooooo make an effort to be not preachy, that's hilarious)
Telling Your Family: Bleeding Love/Leona Lewis (Depending on how you interpret the song itself, that's either perfect or completely wrong)
Bachelor Party: Like a Virgin/Madonna (lol)
Bachelorette Party: What Might Have Been/Lonestar (...isn't worth anything compared to what I've got)
Waking Up: Sing for the Moment/Aerosmith (O_o)
Wedding Breakfast: Praise/Sevendust (...lol)
Bride Getting Ready: Fuck the System/System of a Down (I could see that being played so long as my mom isn't helping)
Travelling to the Ceremony: Mad as Rabbits/Panic! At the Disco (see above)
Walking Down the Aisle: Breath Of Life/Howard Shore, LotR: The Two Towers score (if FH was into LotR like I am, we would probably be having an LotR wedding and this...might actually be the piece. Lol)
~*The Kiss*~: I Love This Bar/Toby Keith (hahahahahaha...no)
The Recessional: I'm the Only Gay Eskimo/Tenacious D (lol)
The Reception Entrance: Wings/4Him (eh)
The Reception Toasts: Out Tonight/Rent Original Broadway recording (hells yeah!)
The Reception Dance: Sway/Coal Chamber (apparently iTunes thinks I should have a very edgy wedding)
Cutting the Cake: Motivation/Sum 41
Leaving The Reception: Awful, Beautiful Life/Daryl Worley (that fits, actually)
Honeymoon: Affirmation/Savage Garden (I think not. "I believe that wedded bliss negates the need to be undressed." Ha!)
Honeymoon Sex: Around the World/Red Hot Chili Peppers (uh...well that song is definitely about hot sex, lol)
Happily-Ever-After Song: No Scrubs/TLC (well, I didn't end up with one...lol)

I lol'd a lot. At least I didn't end up with "The Worst Day Since Yesterday" by Flogging Molly! XD
rena_librarian: (Default)
RenaissanceGrrl 185 days! says:
*poor Cody
Kristy says:
*?
RenaissanceGrrl 185 days! says:
*yesterday at the wedding we had to drive by a bunch of cabins/lodges to get to where they were hasing the ceremony
RenaissanceGrrl 185 days! says:
*and he was all "I bet they're going to shack up in one of these..."
RenaissanceGrrl 185 days! says:
*and I was like "well maybe, with him leaving for the Army IDK if they have time to go on a real honeymoon or not"
RenaissanceGrrl 185 days! says:
*and he was like "Yup. Someone's getting laid tonight, and it's NOT ME."



(Yes, Kristy and I tend to use lolcat terms, hence the "hasing.")
rena_librarian: (Default)
The Things One Needs to Survive a Twelve-Hour Overnight Shift:

-Nametag. Required, and it's good to have so the nurses know you're not a family member.
-Books. I try to take a total of 3-4 that I haven't read--ie, if I take two books that I'm halfway through, that counts as one total. I try to make at least one of them something I can finish cover-to-cover.
-Lotion. I sanitize my hands A LOT, and it takes its toll.
-Some Other Project. Two nights last week it was sewing, tonight it's my iBook so I can work on writing. I love to read, but I CANNOT do it 12 hours straight, which leads me to...
-Eyedrops. Luckily I carry these in my purse anyway, as a contact-wearer.
-Food. I take a lunch and eat it around 2 AM, halfway through my shift. I also try to include stuff to snack on at random--a couple of pickles, or a packet of fruit gummies, etc. And even though my bento bag (Japanese lunchbox) includes a bottle for a drink, I also need...
-Something to Drink. Other than what's in the lunchbox. I stop at McDonald's and get a large sweet tea on my way, since I'm trying to minimize my soda intake. I also try to have dinner last thing before I leave so I'm not starving until 2 AM.

On that note--I was poking around Marilyn vos Savant's website last night, and saw the link to her Daily Diet. I was pleasantly surprised that it's very similar to the own "diet" I've devised for myself, in an effort to lose weight for the wedding.

Here's hers.

Mine is simply this: Nothing but cereal before 5 PM. If I get hungry enough, sometimes that's two bowls, but 95% of the time it ends up being only one bowl. (This is mostly because I sleep so late, though.) I've cut back on soda--I refuse to eliminate anything entirely, because that's when I get frustrated with the whole thing and quit. I don't keep soda at the house, and I always order sweet tea at McDonald's when I'm eating there (it's cheap when I'm in a rush)--and that's probably 90% of my previous soda consumption. Now, when I visit someone and they offer me soda, I'll take it (especially Cody's stepdad, who almost always tells me that he's gone out of his way to put a Dr. Pepper in the fridge just for me when we visit), and if I'm eating at a more expensive restaurant I'm likely to order soda--it's already a special occasion by virtue of going out to someplace that's not fast food. =) I have whatever I want for dinner. Almost literally anything. (It's so hard to avoid foods when you're as picky of an eater as I am.) Seconds if I'm actually hungry for them. Then, if I end up being hungry again later (often, and ALWAYS when I'm working) I'll have something light--a small sandwich would be the heaviest thing, and a bowl of cottage cheese is way more likely.

And it seems to be working. Jeans are getting looser, at any rate. I'm not losing a pound a day or anything, but the slower you lose it, the easier it is to keep off, you know? My brother said I was looking good (Jerry and Sherri and the girls were down over the weekend), but he hasn't seen me in something like two and a half years, since they flaked out on coming to the reunion.

Also, if there is anything major going on, I'll skip a day. We were out at Mom and Dad's on Saturday and I ate with everyone else and had desserts for snacks more times throughout the day than I care to admit. (Darn your cookies, Mom! Darn them!!) I had soda with my meals. But the next day I was right back on track.

As far as exercise goes, I cannot bring myself to commit to any kind of routine, and I shudder at the thought of even going inside a gym, much less staying inside one long enough to work out, but there's the bike, and I'll go on a walk now and again. At the very least, if the weather is okay, I'll try to walk to get the mail instead of grabbing it on the way out. (This is a pathetically short walk but it's better than nothing.)

So. Yeah. No idea how I got into all that. But there it is. I'm going to empty the dishwasher and start the oven for pizza! =D
rena_librarian: (Default)
I last filled this out on May 27th, last year. Lol.



1. Your ex and you: are now talking a bit on Facebook. He plays SuperPoke Pets, lol.
2. I am listening to: I Want You To Want Me cover by Lindsay Lohan (surprisingly good, really)
3. Maybe I should: be writing
4. I love: CODY!! =D
5. My best friend(s): are crazy ^_^
6. I don’t understand: why the USPS is so slow sometimes
7. I have lost my respect for: the media at large
8. I last ate: Pizza Hut (celebratory dinner yay!)
9. The meaning of my display name is: still a long story.
10. God: is smiling
11. Someday: ...I'll get away from here with Cody.
12. I will always be: Cody's. =)
13. Love seems to: be completely and totally AWESOME.
14. I never ever want to lose: ...Cody, duh
16. I get annoyed: with stupidity, still
17. Parties: are best in costumes
18. Simple Kisses: are delicious
19. Today I: GOT HIRED WOOT!!
20. I wish: it was November already!
rena_librarian: (Default)
So Saturday was my birthday, and I'm 23 now, but that's beside the point, and at the same time the crux of everything. Lol.

Okay, so Kristy got some birthday money a couple of weeks ago (her bday's three days before mine but whatever), and since she had finally given up on her car ever being in good working order a week or two prior to that, she invested in a bike, and a bike trailer if she needs to haul a kid. Being the awesome friend that she is, she taught me to ride. It took me two days and I'm still not the best rider, but I got the basic hang of it. (I think I probably posted about this at some point...ah yeah, in this meme.)

Then I got really stoked--if I could get a bike of my own, I could ride it! I could go to Cody's or her place, or the post office, or Walgreens, or any number of places within a couple of miles (I can walk at least four miles and that's easily well beyond getting to any of these places, and a bike would make the trip faster and easier so I could theoretically go even farther if I had the need, right?). I could save gas AND lose weight before the wedding! So I decided that that's what I wanted for my birthday--a bike.

Long story short, my parents got it for me. (I had been thinking that I would take birthday money from them and my grandmother and go buy it myself, but they went ahead and surprised me. ^_^) We went out to birthday dinner on Thursday since they were going to be out of town on the weekend, and then we came back to my place "for cake" and they wheeled in the exact bike that I wanted! =D

Later, after they left, I texted Kristy and was all "ZOMG BIKE YAY!!!" and she texted back that we should go riding. Through some texts this shifted to I should come over for lunch, then when I said that I was a wee bit scared to ride across town alone my first time out, she agreed to go in to the office in the morning that day, meet me at the corner and we would bike to her place.

All went well. It took nearly an hour to get there (fifty minutes) and I had to stop and catch my breath a lot (HILLS ZOMGWTFBBQ), but other than more or less crashing into a utility pole (more like a bump, slow as I was going, didn't hurt anything) nothing out of the ordinary happened.

I set back home at around ten past five. I called Cody before I left so he'd know I was on my way (he was waiting for me at my house, having planned on having dinner with me). I was making much better time on the way back as I was walking my bike up the worse hills and catching my breath as I walked instead of trying to overtax myself--bear in mind, I was alone this time and was trying to be careful because there was no one to take care of me.

Well, I got roughly halfway back (I've checked this on google maps). I started wobbling a little (as I am still prone to doing, five weeks into the biking thing) and I was getting too close to the cars for comfort (there's sidewalk the whole way, which I took into account planning my route). So I swerved the opposite way. In retrospect, I overcorrected. >_<

I felt myself falling, and planted my foot on the ground to catch myself. Well, all my weight and that of the bike slammed into my knee, I felt it pop, and it hurt. BAD. I tumbled, but at least I tumbled into the grass and not the traffic. I tried to hop back up--nope, pain, not gonna happen. So I laid there for a second, then my next thought was to get the bike off my leg. I took my messenger bag off and then pushed the bike off--already my knee was like "NO! DON'T MOVE ME! AGGGGH!" While I'm sitting there, thinking I will let the pain subside, get up, and continue on my merry way, I hear someone asking if I'm okay. At first I thought it was a car that had slowed down or stopped, or had to stop for the light (this was right before an intersection), but as it turned out it was two Mormon guys. They had seen me crash and pulled into the driveway right before and gotten out to check on me.

They offer me a ride, or a cell phone, and I tell them no, I'm okay, I have my own cell phone in my bag, and I think if I just take a minute I'll be able to get up and go, or at least be okay to walk the bike if nothing else. One of them picks up the bike and sets it upright, on the kickstand. I also tell them that my fiancé can come get me. After another moment I get up, and the minute I put weight on that knee I KNOW I'm not riding the bike anywhere. I stand there, untangle my headphones, and they keep asking if I'm really okay and finally I convince them I am. Then they tell me they're Mormons like I couldn't read their nametags (even if they were without them, they kind of...stick out--they were either Mormon or JW, and I think the latter have a more relaxed uniform) and give me a brief schpiel and their card. Which was awkward, sort of, but they were both really nice. After I take their card and they're heading back to their car, a redheaded woman walks up and said she saw me crash and just had to turn around and make sure I was okay, and offered her cell phone. I tell her all the same things but thank her for stopping.

So I start wheeling the bike along. By the time I'm to the next intersection I'm grateful for the bike-as-crutch. And yes, I could have called Cody, but I was really worried that he would make me LEAVE the bike wherever he found me. (He says now he could have fit it in his car, but still.) He'd been after me about getting a helmet--it's not the law here in Arkansas and I didn't want to fool with it, and certainly didn't want to spend the money on one.

I knew I'd done something to my knee, at one point I tried walking on the non-kickstand side of the bike because my arms were getting tired and I only got about two steps. Also at one point with a steep slope down, I tried to coast downhill--I couldn't bend my knee far enough to pedal but I thought I'd save a little time and effort. I couldn't get the bike going, though, at least not without wobbling, and when I lightly tapped that foot on the ground it hurt VERY badly.

Anyway, I walk more or less a mile home (you can walk places where there are no roads according to Google Maps, after all) and get inside. Cody could tell I was upset.
"Are you okay? What's the matter, sweetie?"
"I have something to tell you, but you have to promise not to freak out."
"Waitwhat?"

And I tell him everything (showed him the card the Mormons gave me, lol), and I roll up my jeans to see, and of course the knee is swollen. I insist that ice and painkillers will be enough to fix things. I'm not BLEEDING so OBVIOUSLY whatever I did couldn't be too bad.

I kept ice on it, and I don't remember when, but I figured out that it hurt to bend it too far and I flat couldn't straighten it out all the way.

Monday night [livejournal.com profile] thehobbitwaffle directed me to the Mayo Clinic's website and I deduced that what I probably actually did was tear or bruise my cartilage. Their recommendation? Ice, Tylenol, keep it elevated, don't walk too much, and it should take care of itself.

So I've been limping around ever since Friday afternoon. Kristy had her Annual Birthday Costume Party the next day and I sat better than 95% of the time. I've been trying to veg as much as possible and not walk too much, and not go up or down the stairs until I HAVE to, though yesterday I felt good enough to walk around Wal*Mart (leaning on the cart) with Mom, and today I finally drove. (It's difficult to get in and out of cars, though.) It's been hurting less every day. I can kneel ALMOST without pain, but I can't bend it any further. I'm hoping I'll be able to fully straighten it soon--the swelling simply won't allow it at this point, though the swelling doesn't look that bad to me.

Cody has been an absolute dear. The first two days when I could barely walk without something to lean on, he cooked for me and made trips up and down the stairs and to Wal*Mart as needed, even when it was for costume things. =) He is so good to me--better than I deserve, really.

And speaking of Kristy's costume party, Cody and I went as Lady Luck and a gambler. =) I got him into an all-green outfit--nice shirt and pants and a TIE (OMG, he was SEXY) and drew a mustache on him (the only thing he wanted...weirdo, lol), and I wore my red dress from Shelly's wedding with a string of playing cards tied around me, and we both had shamrock necklaces. (Yay St. Patrick's Day, on which I failed to consume any alcohol whatsoever. And I had rum in the fridge!!) Kristy has all the pics, I will post when I get them, lol. And don't worry, Shelly. I didn't actually alter the dress any, so I can still wear it to a formal function if I ever have one, lol. I got the idea googling "red dress costume" but so many of the ideas I saw required a short red dress or gluing things to it! >_< I was pleased with myself--Cody and I spent all of $4 on these costumes, $3 for the necklaces and $1 for a deck of cards, since I don't have any that aren't special, lol. With a larger budget and more time, I probably would have added a fake cigar and a fedora for Cody (mine didn't fit him), and I've seen boas made out of fake dollar bills for me. Also dice or dollar sign jewelry. I have a black shawl and meant to grab it but forgot (what with the whole having a hard time walking thing).

Next time I have a chance to wear a costume, though, I think I'm going to steer away from the "concept" costumes. Last year I was the Snow Queen and no one got it, and this year only one person claimed to get Lady Luck--and that was after someone else asked me. She was all "Oh yeah, I thought that's what you were, I was going to ask." (Then again, I didn't do much better with Josie from Josie and the Pussycats at Halloween, but I think that was just plain too obscure.) Cody and I have batted around the idea of going as Peter and Lois from Family Guy, though, lol. (This would be at some point in the future if/when Cody gets tired of his hair, I guess. I can't fathom fitting a short wig over that massive hair. Now that I think about it, he could wear the same green pants as the gambler. Lol.)

Okay, I think that's enough content to make up for my non-content entries for a while, other than this last tidbit...

Most of you probably remember me talking about Sam. I was going to link to all the entries tagged with his name but I think the breakup post does it the most justice; if you REALLY need the whole story you can click the tag. We were a couple for all of 91 hours around this time last year (two months before I met Cody). Anyway, while Kristy and Cody and I were sitting around waiting for more people to show up (Kristy was still working on her costume, lol), she said "blah blah blah Kristin blah blah blah Dena blah blah blah Sam said something about bringing a roommate..." And I was all "Sam's coming?"
"Yeah."
"Oh." *turn to Cody* "That's the guy I was with like right before we met..."
"The one who didn't last a week?"
"Yeah."
Well, he showed up and there was no drama, everyone was cordial all around, Cody included (because he is AMAZING. Period.). At one point pretty much everyone was playing Rockband in the living room, but Kristy was still sewing her costume and Cody and I were sitting at the kitchen table with her. Cody leaned over and pulled me close so he could whisper. "The one in the red shirt, right?"
"Huh?"
"The Trekkie." (Sam was costumed as a redshirt from Star Trek. It was a pretty decent costume, IMHO.)
"Oh. Yeah. That's him."
... "HE dumped YOU?!"
I busted out laughing, I'm surprised no one asked me what was so funny. Later on back at my place, Cody was all, "Sweetie, you deserve way better than me but I'm like a thousand times better looking than that guy!" Glad he could see it. =) He's such a sweetheart, I'm reminded constantly...okay, I should stop there. I'm sure none of you want to hear me wax poetical about being the luckiest girl in the world and all that jazz.

I need to get some sleep--or, at this point, stay up all night. I think I'll go for the former. Top of the morning to you!

February 2012

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