So sometimes I still go look at Cody's Facebook. Mostly when I see a status or new picture that's...out of left field. Right now it was that he posted a picture 21 hours ago from Bourbon Street in New Orleans and I'm insanely curious as to what he's doing there--I would imagine he went with his folks? But maybe not?
Wait, yes, his mom posted more pics with all of them in them.
Long story short, I end up looking at his pics and such because--well, Facebook is a timesuck, and. GAH. IDK I'm just going to admit it's probably not healthy and move along.
BUT. Truthfully? He was more attractive (facially) with more weight on him. Like, he's doing good from the neck down, but his face. OMG. Not pretty anymore.
Or maybe that's just, like...the charm has worn off? When he used to be sweet to me I could see past the imperfections, and now I can't? Come to think of it, it wasn't like I had the hots for him immediately--I found him a lot more attractive after we got to know each other pretty well. But then again I look at older pictures, pictures of us when there was an us, and he looks cute to me in those.
I don't know.
I've finally figured out that the sweet boy I married and the person he is now are not the same, and while I can't pinpoint where the transformation took place (or began, if it wasn't all at once, though it felt like it was), the point is, it has. Even if he wanted me back, it wouldn't be like falling in love all over again, not a repeat of the first time--if anything worked out it would be like falling in love with someone completely new. The guy that wrote me love songs and kissed me gently and called me beautiful is no more. Oh, and have I mentioned he's taken up smoking? Idiot. Why did I throw my life away on him? I want my first kiss--first everything--back, thanks. >_<
Anyway, there's no point in wasting my time wishing that I didn't have to do this, because I do. I really hate the idea of being divorced, I do, but to take him back as he is would just...not work, and be wrong, and frankly I don't want to. He's coming across as kind of a douche now (and it isn't just the smoking). And I don't see him having the change of heart that would need to happen (before things could work) anytime soon. So I have got to get on the paperwork for making the separation legal. After 18 months of separation we can get a no-fault divorce. I'm not sure if that's 18 months from when he moved out or 18 months from filing the paperwork, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter because legalities aren't always logical.
On the bright side I now have an excuse to never look at my wedding pictures (where I'm so, so fat) ever again. XD Silver lining, anyone?
And I know it wouldn't be smart right now--we need to get the legalities sorted out for starters--but I really want to start dating again. Or more accurately, I want to be married again. Just not to him. (We won't even talk about the sexual frustration because that's another can of worms entirely.)
Afterthought: I should be getting my car Monday. A week and a half after the guy originally thought it would be ready. (I was supposed to have driven it to the concert.)