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Where you go to print off a sheet of address labels, and almost stick in a second and third page of blank ones, say to yourself "Why not?" and then pause, and awkwardly answer yourself "Because you're probably going to be moving soon."

I'm applying for jobs in St. Louis. I can make twice as much working in a video store there as I do at a desk job here. (And honestly? I think it'd be less stressful. Debt collection sucks.)

I want to get the divorce settled first, but as soon as that's done I want out of here. I fucking hate living here, I have for so, so long. I should've moved away for college--I likely never would've met Cody--and I'm just not happy with my life.

(This isn't a cry for help, by the way. I know it will get better, and I have my coping devices in the meantime. I'm just whining.)

Also angst about turning 26 next month and finding myself single after thinking I was done with all that. The idea that I have to start all over, and that I wasted so much time on a man boy who obviously is not The One after all honestly makes me a little sick. Considering I want to take things slower next time around, I could be 30 before I get to be married again. 30. THIRTY. Ugh. I'm having a quarter-life crisis (thank you, John Mayer, for the metaphor).

I don't think everything will magically be better. But I think living in a place I actually want to be--accomplishing a huge, huge, huge bucket list item--will bring the happiness baseline up so high that it'll make everything else so much more bearable.
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My grandma sent me some money to help with the legal fees, and I'm writing her a thank-you note.

I'm using one of the thank-you note cards leftover from wedding presents.

It seemed appropriate.
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So I participated in a secret santa over on [livejournal.com profile] beyond_dapper. And today was a bad day. And I don't know what possessed me, but I made a video of myself opening my presents.


So yeah. That's me. =)
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At the moment it happened? My first kiss.

In retrospect, given how things turned out? Hm. Probably my entire first trip to Canada. Life-changing. So many good moments.
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I. Er. Um.

Do whatever the heck you need to in order to get out of Arkansas and into a large city at the first available opportunity.

(This would've spared me all of Cody and most, if not all, of Nico, maybe college would've been completely different...)

But of course that would open a time vortex of ridiculous proportions, trying to change one's own timeline. I'm not an idiot.

grah

Sep. 1st, 2011 01:29 pm
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Evidently, I am not as sneaky as I thought, and the whole office knows that Cody and I are not together.

On the bright side I took down the wedding pictures that have been on my desk this whole time. I am debating on how childish it might be to replace them with a picture of Darren. (Yeah, the eye candy would be nice, but that's probably not going to happen considering I already get teased a bit for my fannishness. Then again there's one girl there who has a frekaing JUSTIN BIEBER calendar so I don't know that anyone would have any room to say anything.)

Is it weird that I'm already mentally planning my NEXT wedding the same way I did the first one--you know, when it's lightyears before I've even met anyone?
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Dude! Remember a couple of weeks ago I answered the Writer's Block question about getting revenge on crappy bosses?

He commented on some silly thing I posted on Facebook, and it turned into a conversation about "the good old days" at Taco Bell and how it was kind of the high school experience for us since neither of us went to actual high school--and then he admitted that I never deserved all the crap he gave me and that it seems like it really is the smart, mature kids that get picked on.

Oh, here, this kind of thing is quick and easy to post now, let me just show you:






(I was the one that "liked" his last comment. The timestamps aren't accurate, I had to redo the second one because I missed a comment.)

I'm actually really touched. Like, I was tearing up over the fact that he was admitting this.


~*~

...and now I find out on Facebook that Cody's released another EP. -_-* I downloaded it--didn't listen, don't think I could take it, I have all his old stuff saved with all the pictures, but I took it all out of iTunes--but I read over his lyrics in the lyric box in iTunes, and the description on bandcamp. I think he has a crush on someone else. Sounds unrequited. HAH. But that still really stings.

Truthfully a lot of the lyrics on his last three EPs were hurtful, once I read them. Babies. Real Angels Sing. The last one, I listened to it, but after he left I read the lyrics and it all kind of struck me as "yeah, my wife sucks."

~*~

(And now--I composed this a while back, called my mom, fell asleep and just woke up so this is getting posted hours after the fact. Go me. Going back to sleep here in a moment.)
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So sometimes I still go look at Cody's Facebook. Mostly when I see a status or new picture that's...out of left field. Right now it was that he posted a picture 21 hours ago from Bourbon Street in New Orleans and I'm insanely curious as to what he's doing there--I would imagine he went with his folks? But maybe not?

Wait, yes, his mom posted more pics with all of them in them.

Long story short, I end up looking at his pics and such because--well, Facebook is a timesuck, and. GAH. IDK I'm just going to admit it's probably not healthy and move along.

BUT. Truthfully? He was more attractive (facially) with more weight on him. Like, he's doing good from the neck down, but his face. OMG. Not pretty anymore.

Or maybe that's just, like...the charm has worn off? When he used to be sweet to me I could see past the imperfections, and now I can't? Come to think of it, it wasn't like I had the hots for him immediately--I found him a lot more attractive after we got to know each other pretty well. But then again I look at older pictures, pictures of us when there was an us, and he looks cute to me in those.

I don't know.

I've finally figured out that the sweet boy I married and the person he is now are not the same, and while I can't pinpoint where the transformation took place (or began, if it wasn't all at once, though it felt like it was), the point is, it has. Even if he wanted me back, it wouldn't be like falling in love all over again, not a repeat of the first time--if anything worked out it would be like falling in love with someone completely new. The guy that wrote me love songs and kissed me gently and called me beautiful is no more. Oh, and have I mentioned he's taken up smoking? Idiot. Why did I throw my life away on him? I want my first kiss--first everything--back, thanks. >_<

Anyway, there's no point in wasting my time wishing that I didn't have to do this, because I do. I really hate the idea of being divorced, I do, but to take him back as he is would just...not work, and be wrong, and frankly I don't want to. He's coming across as kind of a douche now (and it isn't just the smoking). And I don't see him having the change of heart that would need to happen (before things could work) anytime soon. So I have got to get on the paperwork for making the separation legal. After 18 months of separation we can get a no-fault divorce. I'm not sure if that's 18 months from when he moved out or 18 months from filing the paperwork, but I'm pretty sure it's the latter because legalities aren't always logical.

On the bright side I now have an excuse to never look at my wedding pictures (where I'm so, so fat) ever again. XD Silver lining, anyone?

And I know it wouldn't be smart right now--we need to get the legalities sorted out for starters--but I really want to start dating again. Or more accurately, I want to be married again. Just not to him. (We won't even talk about the sexual frustration because that's another can of worms entirely.)

Afterthought: I should be getting my car Monday. A week and a half after the guy originally thought it would be ready. (I was supposed to have driven it to the concert.)

oh and also

Jul. 8th, 2011 08:13 pm
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Today is Cody's 21st birthday, as I was reminded every time I wrote a receipt today. Normally I don't notice birthdays and such because they're in my head as "March 14th" or whatever, the word, and I write the numbers (3-14-11) on the receipts. But nuuuuuu, his date of birth is 7-8-90 so that's how it stuck in my head and I won't be very shocked if I get a receipt back on Monday where I actually wrote 7-8-90. Urgh.

I asked him back in March what he wanted to do for his birthday, with a feeling of holy shit it's going to be July like any second. Now it feels like so long ago.

It's also three months since he left. Today.

Not gonna lie, I kinda feel like shit today. Fuck the world.

I saw him yesterday--apparently he has a friend in the apartment complex across the street, because I saw him in the parking lot as I was headed home. Bleh.

I need out of this town like I can't even say.
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I'm toying with the idea of rearranging my room. (By which I mean my office.)

I was watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, which always makes me want to MAKE makeup tutorials, and I was kind of thinking about how the last time I tried that, it was really annoying because my desk faces the window, therefore the entire room is in the background, and therefore I would have to clean my room every time I wanted to make one.

(My sanity requires that I have one room that I don't worry about keeping immaculate.)

The best vloggers all seem to have their back to a wall in their vids. Makes sense.

But then it's like...do I really want to fuss with that when I intend to move ASAP? I just went through and re-stacked the clutter in here to take up less space and decided not to actually go through it and organize, pending moving. Maybe I need to focus not on rearranging stuff that's mostly working but, if I get in a cleaning/organizing sort of mood, on getting rid of smaller clutter--like the stack of stuff on my scanner that I intended to scan but have been too lazy to fuss with. That kind of thing.

I'm also considering giving all my scrapbooking stuff to Alicia, because I've gotten to a place where I'd rather put the pictures online and get comments than to go to all that trouble for the pics to sit up on a shelf in a book. She, on the other hand, has four kids that she's making scrapbooks for and still loves it. So there's that. I don't think I'm ever going to take it up again--even if I was independently wealthy and all my time was my own, there are just so many other things I'd rather spend my time and money on.

Yeah okay that's it, I'm spending the rest of my organizing. More or less. Until the Glee Project. I'm setting an alarm for myself so I don't forget this time!

Also. I was debating between Fayetteville and St. Louis, but now I've pretty much made my mind up. I kept thinking about Fayetteville, and the truth is even though it'd be a lot of fun, I don't think I'd ever consider it permanent, it would just be a stepping stone on my way to bigger and better things. St. Louis, on the other hand, could very easily be permanent. (I won't rule out the possibility of ending up in Chicago or New York or maybe even England, but that's kind of like a win-the-lottery dream that I don't think I'd ever actively pursue.)

I want to be in a (geographical) place I'm happy being. If I run into the issue again of falling in love with someone who refuses to EVER MOVE AWAY EVER then I need to be in a place where I'm okay with that.

The person I'm being in the wake of Cody having left me is so, so different than the person I thought I'd be if--or later, when--he did. I honestly figured I'd be a Bella Swan, kind of wake up one day and realize I hadn't done anything in like four months. But I've been more creative than I have in a long time, and self-confident (though that's also largely stemming from weight loss, not gonna lie), and truly I am--or at least am aspiring to be--more of a Pink than anything.


The attitude, moreso than the actual behavior, lol. Cody already told me anything I did to his car he'd do to mine in return. =P

ugh

Jun. 12th, 2011 05:27 pm
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Cody just left, he accidentally had a package mailed here--he didn't realize he hadn't updated his address on eBay--and so he came to pick it up. He also (by shouting directions up the stairs since he's not allowed up here) helped me reset my wireless router so that the wireless internet connection is no longer named CodyAndSarah. >_<

And now I have a headache.

We're going to assume it was Cody, and not the fact that the router was a pain, or the fact that I haven't eaten.

Speaking of which, I'm going to take some aspirin and eat now.
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o_O

WOW, LJ. Just wow. I so needed that.

*dies a little inside*
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o_O

WOW, LJ. Just wow. I so needed that.

*dies a little inside*
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Honestly? Just the music he made. There's actually a lot of bands to which he introduced me that I still love, some have even helped me cope. (Casiotone for the Painfully Alone, Black Kids, Beck, some Radiohead...)

ugh

May. 23rd, 2011 12:13 am
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So the other morning I had a dream.

Most of the time my dreams are fairly cracktacular, or the typical dreaming-I'm-actually-awake-and-getting-ready dream. When I'm lucky I'll have a fandom-based dream (like the time I dreamed I was a tenth Fellowship member, or that I met Elijah Wood at an airport and he started hitting on me).

But not the other day.

I dreamed that Cody got his shit together and he had moved back in, and it was like...day two, maybe. And it was really awkward because ALREADY I am used to being in total control of my space again (I'm a bit territorial, not gonna lie), but he was pretty understanding of that and was really making an effort and going out of his way to be sweet.

(And truthfully even if things did go that way IRL I think I'd insist on getting a new place together rather than him moving back in here again; one of the things I felt kind of bad about when he left was that it was so easy to separate my stuff from his, like he was never fully part of things here--which was never my intent, but would be an easy way to interpret things. I don't know if I'm articulating this clearly.)

And it's like...ugh, subconscious, I was doing so well. IDK if the dream stemmed from me just hating living alone and my subconscious was trying to trick me into wanting to take him back, or if it's just trying to rein me back a little--like, "yes, he's done horrible things to you, but he used to be really sweet and you're going overboard with the thinking he's a dick because he's not 100% dick, just, like, 50%."

In other news he continues to not contact me but quickly reply if I contact him, and be relatively nice when that happens.

ALSO in other news, I found out that yet another one of my friends is living in one of the cities I'm considering moving to, which brings the total to three, plus anyone else I can convince to move there. (But I think that debate maybe qualifies for its own entry.)

ugh

May. 22nd, 2011 11:02 pm
rena_librarian: (Default)
So the other morning I had a dream.

Most of the time my dreams are fairly cracktacular, or the typical dreaming-I'm-actually-awake-and-getting-ready dream. When I'm lucky I'll have a fandom-based dream (like the time I dreamed I was a tenth Fellowship member, or that I met Elijah Wood at an airport and he started hitting on me).

But not the other day.

I dreamed that Cody got his shit together and he had moved back in, and it was like...day two, maybe. And it was really awkward because ALREADY I am used to being in total control of my space again (I'm a bit territorial, not gonna lie), but he was pretty understanding of that and was really making an effort and going out of his way to be sweet.

(And truthfully even if things did go that way IRL I think I'd insist on getting a new place together rather than him moving back in here again; one of the things I felt kind of bad about when he left was that it was so easy to separate my stuff from his, like he was never fully part of things here. I don't know if I'm articulating this clearly.)

FML

May. 14th, 2011 12:54 am
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Phone STILL not here, hopefully tomorrow since it was in Memphis today.

Saw Cody--he brought over his half of the car insurance payment.

He emailed to ask if I was home (since, no phone), I said yes but Dana was coming over, he emailed back and said he was coming over and I had no chance to protest. I didn't let him in when he got here. Conversation:

C: Are you doing okay? Do you need anything?
S: Fine, and no.
C: Do you need anything?
S: NO.
C: Well, okay then...guess I'll see you later.
S: Next month, probably.
C (sarcastically, as far as I could tell): Well, did you want to do something before then?
S: No.
C: Then I guess so. Are you sure you don't need anything?
S: I'm fine.
C: Would you call me if you did need anything?
S: Probably not.
C: Well, fine. See you later. -exit stage left-

I was having to choke back tears through all this, which only partially accounts for my short, terse answers. After he left I realized he'd given me two twenties, not a twenty and a five like he was supposed to, and I got really pissed and threw the money across the room and broke down crying. Came very close to chasing out after him and screaming at him, but decided it wouldn't really accomplish anything.

I hate that he is trying to give me more than he agreed to. It honestly makes me feel like a whore, like I was never anything but his kept woman.

Also after he left I realized that I had another bag of his stuff that I've found while organizing around the house and had planned to give back to him, which, had he not been a dick and just assumed it was okay to come over, I probably would've remembered. So I'll probably be seeing him again, but I want to wait until I have my damn phone.

And it's so frustrating because yesterday I was fine. I had his FB profile open (because I was going to message him about not having the phone yet yada yada can't call to check if I'm home) and looking at his picture was like looking at a stranger. Not that he's changed (he doesn't look like he's lost any more weight in the last month, though he probably has) or anything, but just...the reaction was just dead inside. I didn't care. Same with textual communication, or seeing his comments on FB or whatever (not on my stuff, but on mutual friends). But seeing him was different.

I told Dana that if he isn't coming back, fully, then it's easier not to see him. She said to tell him to mail it. Contemplating it.

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I kind of feel like I've already gotten to a point where I don't miss Cody, per se.

I miss having someone to snuggle with, and talk to, and just plain don't like being alone in the house all the time. (Sometimes, yes. But constantly, not so much.)

But Cody himself? I find it really hard to think of him without thinking of all the dick moves he's pulled recently. (Because...during the last few weeks, there were a lot. And I'd rather not go over them.)

And that kind of sucks, because things were so, so right at first, but like I tried to explain to Michele--I really can't seem to pinpoint where exactly things went wrong. I think it was sooner than I'd like to think.

On the other hand, it was three weeks yesterday, and that can't possibly be right that I'm already so over everything.

IDK.

I don't think anything is going to change; he won't talk to me. Or, more specifically--if I text/email/FB message/whatever him, he'll reply. But the only time he has contacted me in any way was when he was supposed to bring me money for his half of the car insurance payment, he called to make sure I was home. That's the only time I've seen him since he got the last of his stuff out of the house.

It's possible I can and will hurt all over again when I see him. And my heart breaks a little when I think about not being in touch with the members of his family that I care about (by which I mean pretty much everyone but his mother).

I just don't even know.

I want to be married again; but not to him, unless he goes through some drastic changes. (Oh hot damn, the Glee cover of Bad Romance just started playing in iTunes...appropriate much?) I've started noticing men and male attention in a way that I haven't since before I met Cody. Which is weird, and is not to say that I feel anywhere near ready to date or anything like that.

I'm so confused, and frustrated. I don't know what's appropriate to feel. He's the one that left, shouldn't I be more torn up? I thought vengefulness wasn't supposed to come until later, but I can't help but think about how he's going to be kicking himself someday, because my life is going to be more awesome than his.
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funny pictures history - Everything Went Better Than Expected!
see more Historic LOL

sad news

Apr. 17th, 2011 03:25 am
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Copied and pasted from Facebook.

I've blocked the people from work that I'm friends with on Facebook from viewing this as I'm trying to keep this quiet at work; I've told the supervisors but I just don't want to deal with the questions or the pity looks from my coworkers. It's hard enough getting work done without that kind of interruption.

Cody left last Friday. This isn't as much of a shock as it probably seems. We've been arguing for a while and I just haven't said anything to anyone because I didn't think things would end up like this. I thought we'd get things resolved. I wanted--still want--to work things out between us, but things have gotten to a point where I can't do it alone. Even if he called me up and wanted to come back, I would insist on going to marriage counseling. This is one of the biggest problems, really--he flat-out refuses to go to any kind of counseling or therapy, with or without me. My hands are tied--there is literally nothing else I can do.

I don't want to go into everything--I've hashed it all out with a few people already and frankly it isn't everyone's business--but the thing that really tipped the scales (and started us bickering at all) is that Cody's now decided he wants kids, which I made plain before we were ever even dating wasn't going to happen. And as much as this sucks, and as bad as I hate it, I still feel like motherhood (even adoption, even foster parenting with a limited age range) would be ten times more hellish than what I'm going through now. I haven't changed my mind in the last ten+ years, I don't think I'll be changing it in the future.

I'm not 100% sure what the future holds. I know for sure that if there's any way at all to make it happen, I want to move away--I've wanted out of this town for as long as I can remember. In the words of Beauty and the Beast, "There must be more than this provincial life." And without Cody I really have no reason to stay--in fact, I would've moved in November of 2008, when I was unemployed, but for the fact that I didn't want to make our long-distance relationship even longer-distance. I'll obviously need to get a new job lined up before I can pack up and go, though. I have two locations in mind but I have people I need to talk to first just to even see if it would be plausible.

I'll answer questions, if anyone has them, if they're not too nosy. If I decide your question IS too nosy I won't be afraid to say so.

I'm heartbroken, but I'm coping. I really don't have any choice but to move forward--I don't hold out a lot of hope that anything's going to change.



Added on LJ: I'm sure it's no shock to anyone that my main coping device has been music, but even I'm mildly surprised that Kurt from Glee has been my go-to--favorite character or no, I wouldn't think the songs would parallel. But Rose's Turn and Defying Gravity have helped A LOT.

February 2012

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